Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[curtis7]

Greetings, this post lays out the potential plan and options I’m considering to follow in the coming weeks and months. This is the culmination of my research reading relationship and self-help books, listening to podcasts, watching videos on cheating, following advice from vets on my thread and others, and scouring countless sitches here to find what works and doesn’t work.

I have given a lot of thought on whether to stay or go due to the Infidelity and chose to stay for a period of time. I accept that BD and the A’s mean the end of my first MR, but I still would like to start a new MR with my W. I have chosen to love and forgive. I have recovered, worked on myself, and am ready to extend this choice to her.

I have listed these in the sequence I would intend to follow and the likelihood that WW would go ballistic by me taking these steps.

1. Ask W to attend RetroV

Simple question to WW, without much pressure. Gives her the opportunity to look at the program info and decide if our 18 year R is worth 1 weekend of participating. The hope is she would attend, listen to the presenting couples, really start to communicate with me, and have a life changing experience to realize that our MR isn’t that bad and can get better. I know that many don’t recommend RetroV until the WAS has expressed interest in R, however, I don’t see much harm in asking if she’s willing to attend. My expectation is low that she would agree to go.

2. Ask W to attend MC

Honestly, I’m not a fan of this option based on her mindset and active A’s. Even if she agreed to go, I don’t know that I could actually find a pro-MR C that would be able to get her to look at us from a different perspective. I have much higher hopes with RetroV based on the format and environment. I would probably skip over this one in the short-term.

3. Ask Sandi2 to talk sense into WW

Mildly joking...but seriously Sandi, I would pay for your flight to Florida and I have a nice guest room in a pool home. How does that sound?

4. Continue giving W time and space

I’m really at the point where I’m over this. Patience is hard, especially when you know the betrayal and lies continue. First known PA was over 7 months ago and she’s had multiple APs, I’m not a martyr to wait forever for her to come out of the fog / valley on her own without action.

5. Confront WW on what I want, reinforce boundary, give her the choice, and move forward.

This is the option that I have researched the most and is coupled with letting her go and tough love. I have read dozens of sitches that addressed confrontation followed by a hard stance of enforcing boundaries with consequences, going dim/dark, moving forward, and/or filing for D. Obviously, each sitch is somewhat unique and this approach has varying levels of success. Timing is critical.

I’ve read many posts from PuppyDogTails, RobX, Sandi2, R2C, AS, Steve85, LH19, TxHubby, Joejoe1, Coach, Greek, Wonka, TimeHeals, FightingFit, GH31, Rockedworld, Theoden, SmileysPerson, Zues126, CDBear, Pinhead, etc. containing scripts and outcomes on confrontation. I highly recommend newcomers read sitches of the DBers listed above when considering whether to apply Tough Love.

I’m still working on scripts and the strength of the statements to make. I have a few different versions that I’m refining. The basic message is to say that waiting for her to makeup her mind is no longer working for me. As long as she’s disrespecting me, our MR, and our family by having a relationship with someone else, that she cannot have a relationship with me. If she continues to contact OM, I will consider all of my options, including D. I tell her that I’m moving forward with my life, then go dim/dark, stop feeding cake (try to get the horse off my property), and only communicate logistics regarding kids.

The goal here is to regain some respect, open the cage door, and let her go to maybe hit rock bottom.

6. File for D w/out notice

Self explanatory. My beliefs and morals have been compromised far too long as it is. Start moving down the path to restore a life that aligns with my moral compass.

7. Let her know we won’t be friends

This option follows one of PuppyDogTails confrontations with his WW. Here is the script:
”I should be clear with you about something. I have absolutely no intention of remaining 'best friends' with you if you choose to end our marriage this way -- by having an affair, running away, and lying to your parents and our children about it. We'll be civil, and we'll co-parent effectively, I'm sure, but we won't be friends. If you decide to end your affair now, however, and come back and work on this with me, going to marriage counseling, each of us addressing our issues, and it doesn't work out -- say after a year -- and we choose to divorce, then yes, I could see a time where eventually we could become good friends again, even though it won't be the same. But not what you're doing now, I'm sorry. This is NOT how friends treat each other, and I respect myself too much to put up with a so-called 'friend' who would do that to me."

I share Puppy’s sentiments regarding how my WW chose to BD, lie, cheat, and separate without ever giving me a chance. If my sitch continues down this path, I have no problem delivering this message.

8. Send group text to APs

Tell the multiple OM to stay away from my W and stop destroying a young family or possibly better yet let them know about her lies with multiple partners and let them battle it out. Unlikely that I would take this step, but rather take the high road as opposed to these predators.

9. Expose the A’s to her family and friends

AllenA was a staunch supporter of exposing the A to everyone. Puppy is another that applied this approach.

Here are some excerpts from AllenA’s posts:

“Publicly expose her choosing an affair over her family and her home... make sure all her friends and family KNOW and that they also know you want to save your marriage. Educate them that you want to save your marriage and that you have invited your wife to work on the marriage and she is choosing to pursue her affair instead. SAY it like that. You putting all that pressure on her is what forces her to make a real tough choice...This is the best way to end this for you... Cut her OFF at the knees and see if she comes to her senses...Not all do, but its the best chance you have...Choosing
a. Marriage
b. infidelity.
These are the choices...”

“It’s also your job to protect your wife from the "grass is greener mentality" and momentary infatuations - these aren't MEN she's cheating with, they are PREDATORS.. they are exploiting her emotional vulnerability, it is your responsibility to protect her from THEM. Pursue no, PROTEST and EXPOSE -- YES. Educate your wife, get her into family therapy and teach her what marriage means in relation to an affair... and the dangers of infatuations and fantasy... she will just get used and hurt in the long run... my wife got used bigtime.”

I know that MWD is not an advocate of exposure:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2238652#Post2238652

AS and others currently posting regularly don’t seem to be either: “I think most LBS's are hoping it moves them from Plan B status to Plan A, but it never, ever does. It just creates a lot of resentment in the WAS, and usually the A will continue but go even deeper undercover (their attitude usually becomes "it's us against the world"). The thing is, she's separated and most WAS's don't consider it an "affair" after separation, to them they're just moving on to a new R. They think they're only "married" in the sense that some pesky piece of paper filed somewhere says so. I know you don't agree with that but that's her point of view right now.”

Highly unlikely that I would take this step as it doesn’t seem to leave the road home paved and smooth. I just view this approach as causing far too much damage that kills any will to return. Not going to spend many calories on this option.

Ok community, that’s all I have right now. Feel free to weigh in with your comments, feedback, recommendations, 2x4’s, etc. I do appreciate everyone taking the time to read my sitch and contribute. It has helped me immensely in taking positive steps emotionally and with my life in general since BD.