Well, I’ve had a very strange last few days. I feel like the timing of the events is a clear message from the universe, and I’m experiencing a major shift. My daughter and I went away for the weekend with one of my best friends and her husband and kids, as well as a bunch of other families they are friends with. The kids played and I got hang with the adults who were all incredibly lovely. I watched these couples and the way they went about their time, and I watched these husbands and fathers and was just struck incredibly hard with the realization that I am in a place now where I have the opportunity to have what they have. There was one man there on his own; he is married but his wife had to work and couldn’t come. He was very much someone I would have been very interested in had he not been married. He was just lovely and warm and solid seeming. He had lovely things to say about his wife and he was effortlessly amazing and helpful with all the kids (including mine) even though none of them were his. We talked a lot, and he asked me lots of questions about what had happened to my marriage. There were lots of times during the weekend at which all the dads were taking over with the kids so the moms could relax. Most of those times this man swept in and watched my daughter so I could relax with the other moms (mine was the youngest child there and I was the only one with out a partner to hep me, so this was a gift. And it made me realize that I want that for myself, and that my current husband will never be the kind of partner I want. This man (in the most appropriate, married man way) felt compelled to have a heart to heart with me about what he sees in me as a person and as a mom. It was incredibly validating. I know it seems crazy, but it feels like it was the exact push forward that I’ve been waiting for. I think I’d gotten myself feeling so deeply that I am damaged goods with a ton of baggage that nobody would want. I see the opposite now. The man I married is not worthy of what I have to offer. Plain and simple. I think that what I thought was a longing for him all this time was actually plain, simple loneliness. All of this being on the heels of finding out that my husband did not take a single second of this past year to figure anything out or do any work on himself in any way, and instead he ran into the arms of the first woman he could find. All these things combined at just the right time.

This small, innocent bit of attention, support and validation from a lovely man made me realize that I know the kind of partner that I want, and my husband is not it. I’ve been a bit of a mess ever since, because I am realizing how lonely I’ve been for so, so long. And because I’m realizing that I don’t actually miss my husband that much. That he is not the kind of partner that I want. I am ready to get a divorce and move forward, to free up my heart and energy for someone who deserves it. I’m ready to be free.