How To Treat Spouse With Children

[HrtHsbnd]

AS, thank you for all your advice. It’s very helpful and I love reading it and following it. Please post here as much as you can!

Listen and validate but stick to your guns.

"It sounds like you are very frustrated, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with this."

"So you'll let me have S?"

"No, I already have plans with him that day."

You can be polite and validate without giving in to her demands.

I am trying to do this and feel that I can always do a better job. I know that I didn’t do as well as I should’ve done last night because our conversation escalated into an argument. I was more concerned with getting my point across and being right than validating her, so I was wrong there. I feel like that’s tough because I want to get out what I need to say, but I guess it doesn’t really matter right now. I will keep at it so that it becomes second nature to me. I feel that I do better at this in text messages than on the phone, though.

I wouldn't offer that, that's relationship pressure on her.

I thought that suggesting she come along and going regardless was one of Sandi’s rules. If I misunderstood, when would something like be appropriate?

I have also invited her to different activities my son and I do once every time he’s with me. She always declines.

This is exactly what happens. She's not happy with her life, she doesn't know why, so you become the lightening rod for everything from her getting stuck in traffic this morning to that time she forgot to turn in her homework in the 3rd grade. It's all your fault, you you you. So you DETACH. You listen and validate, but you don't get sucked into the vortex.

This is very interesting for me and very educational. From reading the board, I guess I understood that this happens. I just didn’t think it would apply to my situation though. I can tell she’s not happy with her life, even though she won’t admit it. I feel she is depressed, too. She does blame me for everything and I cannot win no matter what I do.

I’m trying not to get sucked into the vortex, but it is very hard. In some ways I wish I could have practice so that I had experience with it when dealing with her!

Do we know why or have a good idea as to why she isn’t happy with her life?

You continue to give her time and space. 4 months seems like forever to you but it's very short on a WAS timeline. She probably needs 3 or 4 times that before she'll realize you're not to blame for everything.

You are right, AS. 4 months seems like FOREVER! She just keeps going on like it’s no big deal at all. I have worked so hard for so long that I have totally passed her by. I think she is finally starting to see that, but doesn’t seem ready to want to do anything about it yet.

As far as time, I do feel that I have a fair amount of time, but I don’t think I have that much time with the legal system.

Yes, all you can do in response is detach.

This is easier said than done because I feel that if I completely detach, I’ll be done. How can I do meta hair without letting that happen?

EXACTLY RIGHT. That person you knew and loved may return some day, but for now you are dealing with an interloper and that's how you should view things. It's very much like dealing with a stranger. You see your old familiar W, but that's not who she is inside right now.

You are so right and I do. I look at her and she just has a different look in her eyes to me. I have always taken care of her, protected her and helped her through anything and I want so badly to just take it all away, but she just won’t let me.

I know I can make it all better, too. I have a game plan, but getting her to want that game plan is a different issue.