So new girl and I met last night. Gut feel, she'll dump me...eventually, but I'm a pessimist so...
Her work schedule is crazy, it's self imposed and I don't see her doing anything to set boundaries upon it such that she could have a normal balance in her life for her children, herself and possibly a relationship. I mean at the conclusion of our talking she said how she had to leave as she was getting anxious about the work she had awaiting her once we were done. Bottom line and for reasons I don't fully understand she has a very unhealthy, unbalanced attraction to her work.
Right now she's exhausted, mentally and physically. With us she's unsure how much of what she is feeling is about us and how much it is influenced by all of the work stress in her life. Again as she has said she had no intention of getting into a serious relationship, but then we met and that changed. As I told her I had no intention of entering into a serious relationship either, but when we met and based upon what I believed of our connection and the lady she was, I did not want to pass up the chance to find out if we could be something special. She said to me "see you can reconcile and I'm not sure I can". And maybe she can't. For me life doesn't come at us on the timeline we want, both good and bad so even though it might have been against my plans, I didn't want to miss the opportunity of having a relationship with her.
Anyway she says she loves me and more deeply than she ever has anyone else. I love her as well. Her work makes the rest of her life impossible right now and sadly I don't think she either recognizes that OR is willing to do anything to change it. She kissed me repeatedly, said she thinks of me all the time, but yet here she is thinking she might want to end our relationship. I'm terrible at talking too much and I'm sure I did last night. Heck I recall telling her to break up with me and let me go if that's what she needed to be happy. My time here really has me on hair trigger willing to just let her and I go and move on and that's possibly to my detriment. She has a trip coming up this Friday through next week. She hopes it will give her some time to rest and get some clarity. I think it will give her a brief respite from her current stresses, but once she's back she'll be right back to where she was. Way my luck has gone with ladies/relationships I'm heavily hedged to believe she'll pull the plug on us because that's just how it goes for me. Maybe to get to the person who meant to be with me it has to happen. Just feels like so much potential for us, but sadly nothing I can do. I'm pretty much going no contact now and giving her all the space she can handle. I will reply to her texts and take her calls if they come, but pursuit in any form is done for now. Maybe she'll miss me, I know she already does, and maybe I'm wrong, but for now even if she's not broken up with me I'm going to be living my life as if she has. Funny how even when a lady is in love with you, she can still let you go. Don't think I'll ever understand relationships and the pull of staying single, freeing my mind from such mindless exercises in frustrations such as this...meh.
