I wish I'd read that earlier LB, I ended up contacting 2 of his friends to see if they'd heard from him but they were both uncontactable. Then I sent him some texts saying I was seriously concerned. Then I rang a couple of friends to see if I was massively over-reacting and they thought it sounded weird and worrying. I kept imagining him lying in his flat dying of an overdose or something and feeling helpless to do anything. I have a couple of friends who have had overdoses (who were luckily found) and nobody knew anything was wrong with them, so I went to the worst case scenario and imagined having to tell my kids he'd killed himself. Overly dramatic I know, I am SO not an anxious person usually, that's always been his role in the M lol. The other thing was that he just saw ds1 on Friday and was texting him over the weekend, and he spent time with ds2 on Sunday so he KNEW that he was doing this big exciting thing yesterday so to not text or ring him to wish him luck or see how he did was just weird, as is him not checking emails (he usually checks them obsessively). And I know he is absolutely exhausted and has had a huge amount of stress at work in the last month or so, there were red flags everywhere of things not being ok.
Anyway he finally texted me saying sorry for worrying me but he was fine and just wanted space, I said that was fine but he should have said he'd be uncontactable and I'll leave him alone now. Then he texted this morning saying he'd been awake all night and I'd worried his friends and I'd over-reacted to him having his phone off for a few hours (bearing in mind I didn't even know what COUNTRY he was in or if he'd even gone away). So I apologised and said I had asked him to let me know he'd arrived safely so I'd worried when he hadn't and to enjoy the peace. When I went away recently he texted me to check I'd arrived ok, if I had had my phone off he would have been frantic with worry! God, the hypocrisy.
I seriously need to do something to re-centre myself from this spinning. I feel like any progress I've made in myself and my emotional control has gone backwards. I have an inkling this is all because our 25th wedding anniversary, my birthday and the school holidays are all coming up soon. I try so hard not to think about the future but these are really triggering me the closer they get. My sleep has been terrible with this anxiety and heat and hormones and working hard, and I haven't made so much time for GAL involving new things and people recently.
My plan: go back to doing a daily yoga video (that's all that kept me sane the first month after BD) go back to swimming regularly (ditto) sleep: don't set an early alarm, get to bed early as often as possible book some time away or doing things for over the anniversary and my birthday go into the office today and tomorrow (hope there are some people there, it's been dead lately) any other ideas would be gratefully received. I have a friend coming over this morning to do some gardening and then meeting a friend near the office later for a run. It's time for some radical self care amidst all the work I have to do!
