Weird, rollercoaster-y weekend. After WAW and I went through with the S, I came home to find a very different apartment. Tons of space, empty rooms, empty walls, everything. It didn't feel like my home at all. I had already taken down a lot of the photos of us and our life together before that, but coming home last Friday felt like a stomach punch.
So I decided I was going to use this weekend to buck up and make the place mine. Went to IKEA, Crate and Barrel, Target, etc. and made some plans for what I was going to do. Turn the corner over here into a bar, turn the spare bedroom into an office, that sort of thing. It was a bittersweet feeling to be shopping for furniture by myself given that it was a mutual and fun thing we did together after the past seven years, but I kept my head down and kept putting one foot forward in front of the other. And now I have a lot of building to do!
And so I went into today feeling pretty good, with a spring in my step. Then a few hours ago I got an email from our landlord about renewing the lease, and it sort of took me by surprise. The lease isn't up until mid-October, but I live in a fairly high demand area of NYC so I suppose the landlord wants to get out ahead of things. WAW then emails me - she gets the emails too - and asks if I want to talk about the lease at tomorrow's MC. And then it all kind of hit me: the lease is a fairly important part of the whole story here.
I wouldn't be here if I wasn't interested in reconciliation, but given that she's signed a one-year lease of her own, it's very unlikely even if there was momentum in that direction that she'd move back in. If we do end up D, then given the support I'd like having to pay, financially I'd most likely want to downgrade to a smaller apartment; in that case, a lot of the furniture I just bought would be unnecessary. But then I'd still have the next few months in a half-empty shell of an apartment whose emptiness only reminds me of what I've lost.
I don't know, I knew the day would come when I'd be faced with this juncture, but I didn't realize it'd be on me so quick after the S. I felt so good turning the page and GAL setting up my place without WAW, and now I'm right back into it. And I really don't know what I want to say about it to WAW. I'm 100% she knows what I want, and that'd be unhelpful pressure anyway. But I also assume that it's not particularly DB of me to communicate my anxiety and concern here. Any ideas?
