yes I need to quit living in fear....need to stop worrying about something that I can't control. Very difficult to change my way of thinking. Will obviously take some time.
I am glad to see your willingness to share and speak about this. Important steps.
A need to quit leaving in fear - very good. A desire to make that happen? I am pretty sure it’s there.
Looking at this whole picture is overwhelming, break it down into smaller pieces. You don’t need to change the way you think, about everything, all at one time.
Let’s start with one.
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The only stable thing in my life was....my marriage me.
Looking back over your life you see the abandonment the shuffling from one to the other. Get this thought solid in your mind - you provide your stability. Not a marriage, not a job, not even DnJ (haha ) - You.
Your overly emotional responses to animals, babies, and other “safe” things is you processing feelings that have been stirred up. The ice cold absence of feeling regarding other relationships, in my opinion, shows denial. That is not a conscious choice, it is a subconscious mind not ready or willing to examine or accept something.
In both of these cases - you control you. Consciously stay in your intellectual car - by the way I’m guessing you read about the cars and highways I’m referring to - and seek a reasoned view of things. You can only influence your subconscious mind by your thoughts and actions. The reason why the intellectual car is so very important - that is the seat of your control.
So, in answer to you. Yes, this makes perfect sense.
I know this difficult inner work; I am knelt right beside you and I care. Just like detachment, which is what this really is, the process can seem rather counterintuitive at first and one has to take a leap of faith at times.
Now, where to start, which fear to look at? Which trigger? Which event? I would suggest abandonment and the baby, your grandson.
Get in that car. Stay intellectual, keep your emotional response out of this.
Your goal is to uncouple those fearful ideas and feelings from seeing and spending time with your precious grandson.
You, Tad, control you! Every time you can - see your grandkid. Control your physical self and hold him, go see him, lots! If this is causing you some panicked feelings - you are not in your intellectual car.
Look at what I propose. He is your grandson and you should see him. Let all those “other” thoughts and feelings flit away and enjoy these moments. Embrace them. Look forward to them.
That is how you start to change your thinking. That is a rational approach to this. Continue with other rational thoughts and justifications for this very worthwhile and loving relationship. I have many, I am sure you can find even more.
Your irrational side of this will loose its grip and become detached. Then it withers. Don’t feed it, let it wither.
Your grandson, this new person. He has done absolutely nothing so you know he is just a trigger. See that. Uncouple that. Follow the path and find the true source.
Remaining in an intellectual realm and therefore less emotional will cause an unbalance at times. After a visit, getting home, and alone, you may find your emotions well up - that’s good. Let them, you need to feel them, you need to drive your emotional car as well, that is the path to acceptance.
Fear is not an enemy, or something to be battled into submission, or faced and defeated. It is part of you. Fear needs to be understood and accepted, its grip over you loosened. Forgiveness is part of this - fear and forgiveness are closely tied. Well fear and non-forgiveness, and fearlessness and forgiveness. Just a little peek at the wonderful and joyful life that is totally within your abilities to achieve, which makes all this difficult process so very worth it. And if I may, once achieved looked back on, and wondered why one was so afraid in the first place.
(((Tad)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) - You.