I am glad you updated! I am sorry I missed your last one. I would have replied had I seen it. Your advice to your past self is great. I agree! I hope my LBW friends here will read it over a few times. We are in a similar spot -- had the WH come back and piecing -- and what we coulda/shoulda done back then seems quite obvious now. Hindsight is def 20-20. I have recently been 2*4ing these poor ladies left and right because I can just see how they are selling themselves short. I am sure my impatience comes from a trigger of my past self failing at the same things.
I am sorry to hear that you are still dealing with what I assume is AFib. I hope you can get an ablation and don't need a MAZE procedure. Open heart surgery is not an easy recovery, especially when you are young and have young pain receptors. In this case, I would say, perhaps not the best time to leave your H, as you will need the extra hands. I am sure you know that tho.
We started a piecing thread several months back. I would love it if you would take a look at it and add your thoughts. I think my list and Sandi's list are repetitive in ways, but whatever you can think to add would be great.
So you are finding yourself having doubts? So very few people like us come back and post over the years, but what I understand is that is also in part due to the LBS eventually becoming the WAS. I have certainly felt that way over the last 4+ years. I will say, it has lessened over time, and especially in the last 6 months. Another poster wrote that his friend didn't fully "reconcile" his M until 5 years. It sounds like such a long time, but considering how long we have been at this and how much we have been through, it is really not that long. Perhaps your H fully committing to the M is still newish. Has it been 1-2 years?
I completely understand your frustrations with your H. While they are not major assaults (like an A or abuse), after all the work you have put into this M with him, that type of inconsideration adds up. Personally, I would not want to spend my life with a partner that made empty promises and didn't pull his weight in the relationship. On the flip side, in any long term R, we have to compromise. Only you can decide what you are willing to compromise on. What can you accept for the benefit of having this M and family with him, and what can you absolutely not accept? Because when we hold onto something or someone that we cannot accept, the resentment builds inside. ... Also, it is better to come up with those "conditions" without emotions and in a practical way, void of triggers.
Another thing to think about is, do you feel "owed" in this M because he initially messed it up? I have to admit, I have dealt with feelings of being entitled in my M since my H came back. It has been hard to break out of the roles of the "betrayer" and the "victim." When those roles remain, the victim can hold an entitlement of being owed more in the M. There is this unspoken sentiment that they, the betrayer, have to work harder to prove their love/worthiness and that they are committed/trustworthy. And of course this cannot sustain itself over time, so as it wears off, there can be a void. So perhaps something as simple as him assuming you would watch the kids at the beach that day, might have been tolerated before BD, but now it can feel like one more thing/mistake/inconsideration on his part.
I thought LB had a valid point. Did you clearly communicate your wants/needs that day? If not, it may be unfair to assume that he would know that. So before letting your resentment about the beach, and other similar events, pile up, ask yourself if you can communicate more clearly to him? Even if you think you do, can you try harder? I want you to feel like you have done your very best at communicating if down the road you do D, it will be easier if you know you tried your best.
You mentioned that there have been several empty promises. I have to be honest and say, I don't like that at all. Especially if that is more of the same behaviors. Again, I am wondering, is this something you would have tolerated before BD? If so, is it fair to ask him to change that now? ... I do not suggest it isn't fair. I am just asking. ... I think people in any long term R (M or any R) absolutely have to compromise and change for the R to last. So ultimately, how does that work with both of you? Does he see this about himself and know to work on changing it?
I have some similar concerns and complaints about my own M. There are certain things about him and us that still bother me. I do still wonder if our M will last. I have definitely fantasized about how things would have been if I had not taken him back and moved on with my life. I actually tried about 1.5 years ago but it didn't last long for me. My H really is willing to keep looking at himself and try to adjust and that feels like enough for me right now.
Are these things you don't like about him things you can live with if they don't change? If the answer is no, is it worth it to give this more time to see if he can change? He has already shown he is capable of some change, so he does have that going for him. Or is this more a matter of you needing more time to accept his imperfections that have perhaps been there a very long time.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
