Regarding the situation at the beach. It sounds like you expected him to “just know” that he was expected to watch the kids. Instead he went off and did “guy time” with the other H. I will say that I would do the same thing. Not because I’m insensitive or being a jerk, there just weren’t clearly laid out expectations. Anytime my W put out the expectations I was good with it. It was her asking for what she wanted. Almost every time she did I was able to meet her needs. However she struggles to ask; it’s a weakness to ask for help in her mind, instead making covert contracts, moping until I ask what is wrong, then crying for 3 hours while being upset that I never listen to her. It was quite frustrating. We would make up, I’d take the blame, apologize, and then feel resentment because I didn’t do anything wrong in my mind. There was never the “expectation” that she watches the kids, but that is how she felt. I can see that and if given the opportunity to get back with her this would be an easy 180 for me to execute. I would simply ask her what her expectations are for the scenario instead of assuming or waiting for her to tell me.
Hmmm. Except it isn't PsySara's needs, it's what the kids need. Looking after, keeping out of the sun, feeding, watering, entertaining. These are things kids needs from both of their parents. And there's no reason at all why one parent should have to be asked by the other to join in on meeting the needs of their joint children on a day where they are both present. Having to constantly ask one parent to actually be a parent, and having to think about how you ask them so as to get the best result, and deciding it's easier not to bother asking them but just do all the work yourself - that's exhausting and it kills love and respect. A spouse in this situation is turned into a parent by their lazy partner - the partner who is perfectly willing to do some parenting, but only if they are asked. Surely when you decide to have kids, the expectation that you will join with your spouse in meeting their needs consistently is already set?
I can see some positive and assertive ways of dealing with this situation.
'H, I know you're looking forward to fishing. I'm looking forward to enjoying my book by the beach. How about you take care of the kids for the first two hours, then I switch up with you?' might work with a mature and willing partner.
I get it PsySarah. I have read through some of your previous threads though not all of them, and we don't know each other. I don't know if you're at the WAW stage yet or not, but given the depths to which you've been with your H, and the upheaval your children have gone through already, and the behaviour they've had to tolerate from him - and the behaviour you've had to tolerate from him - in your shoes I would be feeling the same.
