Slowly piecing, D busted (pt 14)

[LB55]

I haven’t read your sitch, I will start off with that.

What is his LL?

Regarding the situation at the beach. It sounds like you expected him to “just know” that he was expected to watch the kids. Instead he went off and did “guy time” with the other H. I will say that I would do the same thing. Not because I’m insensitive or being a jerk, there just weren’t clearly laid out expectations. Anytime my W put out the expectations I was good with it. It was her asking for what she wanted. Almost every time she did I was able to meet her needs. However she struggles to ask; it’s a weakness to ask for help in her mind, instead making covert contracts, moping until I ask what is wrong, then crying for 3 hours while being upset that I never listen to her. It was quite frustrating. We would make up, I’d take the blame, apologize, and then feel resentment because I didn’t do anything wrong in my mind. There was never the “expectation” that she watches the kids, but that is how she felt. I can see that and if given the opportunity to get back with her this would be an easy 180 for me to execute. I would simply ask her what her expectations are for the scenario instead of assuming or waiting for her to tell me.

I wish I could sit her down and make her read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” because she totally does a lot of those nice guy things too. That won’t do any good at this time because she is totally disinterested in anything I have to say. It’s not just a book for guys in my opinion. Women could learn a lot from it too.

Stop apologizing when you set an expectation and he shuts down. It’s still what you want; don’t apologize for asking for what you want. If you were in the wrong then apologize. It asking him to do things you need doesn’t require an apology.

Your frustration comes right through the screen. I can feel it. I can still see the unwritten contracts and expectations in what you describe to me. Do things for him in his LL. You are an Acts or Service woman so as long as it’s coming from a place I love and not an expectation of payback place it will be fine. For things you want help with, ask and set the expectation. For your QT schedule it. Get your needs met. That’s a lot of work, any M worth saving is a lot of work. It’s easy to stay on the plateau. There is more mountain climbing yet to do. Go up and see the spectacular view or go back down and stare up resentfully at those who forged forward. That’s my $0.02. Hope it helps you!