Making the best of the mess.

[BluWave]

This is a great conversation, and one that has had me thinking over the last couple days. It is confusing because while we are all in (or were) the same situation, there are also differences. The reason I tend to guide people back to Sandi's rules, is because that is a template that applies to all of us (whether we have a walkaway, a wayward, or despite how much time has passed). I think by the time people get here they are usually in the LRT and need to go dark, and Sandi's rules take that into account. You can follow the rules and not initiate any contact, and when there is contact, it is a simple guide on how to be pleasant (so they want to come back), however it is also important to be (act) detached, so they get the idea you could be moving on. I don't know how many of us ever reach "detachment," because let's face it, we are posting here because we want to save our M (ie still attached or at least attached to the idea of them). I see detachment as a goal with many levels, not something you can turn on or off, and something we might need to fake until we make it. I don't know if people ever fully achieve it until the M is dead and gone and they have moved on to other Rs in their life.

The main question I am gathering in this convo is an interesting one and posters might have varying opinions on. How can you drop the rope and go dark, while simultaneously reminding them of what they are missing, so they want to come back? My thought on that is that you don't need to remind them or show them anything. They know. They might rewrite history and paint you to be the "bad guy," but that is more what they do to justify their actions, and not necessarily a core belief. I think having time together, family time, and allowing cake does more damage than good, and it outweighs the benefits of them feeling a loss of you. It is when they feel they have lost you, that they want to come back. It is strange indeed. When you allow the positive time together, you send the message that you are okay with the way things are and also that you are still plan B. No one wants plan B when they can have plan A! They might seem at times that they do -- when they temp check, text, flirt, seem affectionate or give you those sad puppy dog eyes (my H did that cr-p all along) -- but they are not coming back because you remind them of the time. They simply take that time, maybe even get an ego boost, and then retain plan A.

Think about it, if a man leaves his W and home for OW, and he still gets to have a nice relationship with his W and enjoy family time, why would he even want to end the A (or simple freedom if there is no longer A) and come back? He doesn't need to. He gets the benefit of having his own place, his freedom and doing whatever he wants, while also having the benefit of dates and family time when he feels like it. Simultaneously, he loses respect for his W. If she allows this, she is sending the message that she doesn't value herself enough to demand more in the relationship. It shows weakness and low confidence. That is not attractive to anyone. A strong and confident woman is not okay with her H leaving her and then coming and going as he pleases. She is naturally hurt and angry and she puts up boundaries to protect herself. She demands respect. She flips the scripts and makes him do the work of having to show her why she should even consider taking back. It took me 9-10 months to get it and once I did, it worked immediately.

That does not mean she should be cold, bitter or play hard to get. I would never suggest that. Perhaps indifferent at times or simply too busy to be bothered with him, yes, but angry or emotional, no. That was one of the mistakes that I made. I started off serving up cake and being desperate and needy. I allowed him to have family time, R talks and he saw my emotional process and instability. Then I did a 180 swung in the other direction and ignored him and showed him indifference, but with coldness and bitterness. It wasn't until I completely took my focus off of him and started to move on with my life without him, that things changed. I was showing him that I could be cordial and pleasant, but that I was detached and not interested in him anymore. He saw that I removed myself from plan B.

And I GAL and became F-cking Fabulous. I looked, walked, and dressed the part and had no time for him at all anymore. AND IT FELT AMAZING TOO! I will never forget the Firday evening he came to the house for the kids and I was dressed up, looking hot, and ready to go out. I held my head up high. I was also pleasant, and said hello back to him, but wasted no time. I quickly loved on my kids and said goodbye and then confidently got out of there. Wouldn't you know he followed me to my car and kept trying to hold a conversation? I was polite, listened and smiled, but really, dude, I have to go out and do other things! Bye bye now. .... He looked like he had been punched in the gut ....

Does this make more sense? .... Ladies, remove yourself from Plan B and be the best gosh d-amn Plan A. Let him go and don't bother with him. If he likes what he sees, he should be so lucky for you to reconsider him. Then he needs to actually do the work.

The old M is dead. You cannot hang on to that and go back to it now. You also cannot simply pretend it never existed and start dating them again as tho they are a new person in your life. The history is there, it is painful, and it will need to be addressed. That is why piecing is it's own struggle. You have to build a new R together while fleshing out the problems of the last one. You need two strong people that are 100% in it to tackle this kind of work.

Blu