Am I doing this right??

[BluWave]

dilly, I actually LOL when I read your posts about realizing it in others but still being CAGD. "(says dilly who is seriously crap at this but can at least see it in others)" HAHA. I actually know what you mean. We have all experienced that at one time or another. I think the great thing about posting here is that as we read other posters' sitches and give them advice, it does force us to look at our own sitch and if we are taking our own advice. On that note, I just left you a giant 2*4 on your thread. You're welcome for that :-)

And I will remind you all that I did not even post during my separation. I read here daily, but could not bring myself to create an account and open myself up. I was a huge mess and I am sure would have been whacked over the head daily. My struggles were different tho. I only allowed cake eating in the very beginning. Then when I realized what I was doing (serving cake) by allowing family time and showing my vulnerability (allowing R talks and showing my emotions), while he was having an A, I then did a 180. And I swung far in the other direction to the point of ignoring him at times and even being cold or indifferent. It took me some time again, to readjust, to actually following the rules.

And I believe it was me finally following the DB philosophy that led to him ending his A and coming back. I showed hm that I was moving on and would be fine without him, but I was pleasant and detached when he initiated contact. He had to see that he was losing me before wanting me again. That is a theme I have read here again and again. You cannot nice them back or show them what they are losing -- you have to start to detach and move on, while remaining strong and confident that you don't need them.

There has been some talk lately about when to go dark (minimal to no contact) verses allowing more pleasant interactions in hopes that they will "see what they are missing." This can be difficult to address because there are variations in our sitches. It is a fine line, but I do think there is a way to do both. I believe that I was able to do this, but the timing is everything. It also depends on the dynamic in our sitches and little nuances. However, I am reading more cake eating than anything in most of the posters here. You do not have to SHOW them anything, but as you detach, 180, GAL on your own, they will become curious and peek over their shoulder. You do not need to have family time or time together to remind them of anything -- that is FALSE! That is CAKE. They know what they had before! They have not forgotten. They just rewrite history to justify their cr-p behaviors. ... They need to actually lose it to miss it ...

Goddess, you said "It would be so much easier for me to handle if he was being an a$$. But he's not. He's "just" still in an affair." .... In my opinion him being in an affair is honestly the worst assault on his M. It is not a simple distraction, it is a HUGE breach of trust, a broken commitment, and he tore apart his family over it. He left his W for some OW. My H was actually quite pleasant and kind in our interactions too and really wasn't an a$$ either. It didn't change the fact that he was a lying, cheating, selfish, jerk! Him being "nice" did not outweigh the bigger picture. I actually think it was all a part of his Nice Guy personality and those guys are dangerous. His mom hit the nail on the head when he was having his A -- she said "he is a wolf in sheep's clothing."

So I reserve my position that you are still in the LRT and you should continue to go dark and pull back. It is okay for him to start thinking he is losing you. He needs to miss you before he realizes what he could stand lose.

Blu