Dilly, my dear, it is time to take care of yourself here, this is NOT working ...
I am having a hard time with reading your posts too and I also feel angry at your WH. I also know that you are allowing this and that is why it is not changing. I apologize for comparing you to Alison, but do you see how as soon as she puts up some boundaries, he responds? She is no longer allowing him to treat her a certain way and he is realizing that.
I really do not like the way your WH comes and goes as he pleases from your life. You deserve better than this cr-p! He left you a year ago! He leaves his W and he still gets to date her (when he feels like it or not), have family time and pretend he is a decent guy (cake), have family vacations if and when he feels like it (massive cake), and you are right there waiting and willing .... in fact, you even want to have s3x with him? WHY DO YOU WANT A MAN LIKE THIS?!? He doesn't even respect you.
More important than him, I can see how much this is hurting YOU. You feel anxious, you are looking for any sign of hope, and your confidence is low because you are allowing him to walk all over you. You keep trying to pursue him in hopes that he will change but he isn't ...
If my H left me and the kids (which he did) and then wanted to date me, go on a vacay, and have family time, I would tell him a clear "no, thank you." I would turn my cheek and I would invest in people that know how to respect me and prioritize me. Why? Because I know how I deserve to be treated. ... Dilly, how do you want your H to treat you? ...
So he gets to live his single life of booze and OW, then just have a weekend of family vacay so he can pretend to look like a real H and father, and then he is back on his way to single life? Meanwhile you are taking care of the kids the entire travel? I mean, why would he even want to give that up and come home? Especially when he knows you are clearly frustrated/disappointed with him. ... In short. He doesn't. And he won't.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow and what we do not allow. You are allowing the same behaviors. And so that is what you will get. I think it's time for you to do a massive 180, drop the rope, and cut him off in every way possible. Only allow emailing about kids and finances. Only reply to a call or text in a real emergency. The rest of him deserves nothing.
You can do it. It also increases the chance he will end his affairs and learn to value his W and family. Right now he can continue to be a selfish as$ because he has no reason to stop ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
