Those triggers are really tough to deal with! I still feel like I have PTSD some days when I go pick up the kids. I’m just scared for her to look at me, tempt me, or otherwise be nice to me because she will use it later to hit me in the junk with a club and bring me back to my knees.
Every time I drive by the gas station where I got off the airport shuttle expecting to see my family and got served restraints and divorce papers I get anxious. I had to ride the airport shuttle for a trip I took for work 2 months ago. I felt like I was in a panic! I am not an easily flappable person and I don’t panic. But riding in a van to the airport was super stressful!
So abig hug from me; I totally get it Dilly. (Autocorrect wants your name to be Silly really badly!!)
Stay strong. I’m strong enough right now I could say no to sex with W. That was unthinkable even a month ago. It’s ok to want it, I want it to very single day! We were very active in the bedroom, 5-7 times a week; I miss that physical intimacy desperately. But right now it’s not worth the emotional distress.
Thanks for reading up on my situation and commenting. This is the hardest thing any of us have had to deal with; I’m glad we are all here to help each other. What did we do before the internet???
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Thanks hope, and you are so right that I have to get past the emotions and operate from a less emotional place. That day was a doozy! I don't feel embarrassed any more, it was just one of those things and makes me more determined not to go back into that place. It was horrible. I like the idea of making better memories in those places, seems like I just have to ride that train line over and over again between those stations laughing and joking with a friend or listening to comedy podcasts
Wow, that must have been so hard for you LB, I am amazed at your strength and fortitude in the face of all that has been thrown at you. And thanks for your thoughts on sex, good perspective that it would cause more emotional harm in this situation. I am full of admiration for your approach to DBing and becoming a better person (it can't be easy) and my new mantra will be 'be more LB' Seriously, I am back to wanting to be the best person I could possibly be, but this time for myself not my H. I'm working hard this weekend and full of energy to meet my goals, it feels really rewarding to be using my brain and being productive. It's also helping with detachment, I am quite calm and clear that I will be stepping back for the time being and working on myself.
Saw H very briefly this morning as I was dragging ds1 out of the house to drop him off early. H must have come by early specifically to see either ds1 or me because I didn't think I'd see him. I was distracted trying to get out of the house on time (teens are not great morning people) so only chatted briefly, H told me how he had a small car accident recently but no damage. Then he said he has all week off work (he needs it) but wasn't sure what he is going to do yet, maybe go to France. I didn't press for details or offer to sort out car insurance or anything like that. He asked me what I was up to this week and I told him and he said he probably couldn't meet up next week but would come home next Saturday, I said I might be at our other place.
Then he walked me and ds1 to my car and said he was going to investigate options for a summer holiday in Italy for me and the kids, with him meeting us for the weekend. I was surprised but didn't really say anything, then I drove off. He texted me later to say that ds2 wanted to go to Italy so he would look into it, he was offering to book flights and hire a car for me and the kids. Weird. I don't read ANYTHING into this other than him wanting to spend a tiny amount of time with his family in the summer. This is a place we used to go to every year camping, but we haven't been for years now. It's lovely but I'm not sure I want to go back to somewhere with so many happy memories getting in the way under these circumstances. I think I will tell him I have to think about it. I'm not sure I want to go on holiday with H at all right now anyway, he has made it so clear that he doesn't want to spend very much time with me so I want to give him space and get on with my life.
well, that is bizarre behaviour on his part. And it also, I think, sounds quite controlling. He's offered to book things, decided on the location and decided you and the kids will go, and he will turn up for a couple of days at the end. I can see why that would suit him perfectly. It's the happy family stuff without any of the emotional commitment or honesty that a real relationship requires. And this is against a context of him being regularly unpleasant to you, talking about divorce and making no moves to reconcile. You've been stuck in this holding pattern for a long time and it obviously suits him.
My advice?
Tell him he's welcome to take his children on holiday wherever and whenever he pleases. He could probably do with some bonding time with them, and the experience of being solely responsible for their needs without you busying yourself facilitating the contact and family time for him. Tell him you have your own plans. Then make them - either alone, or with your children, or with some friends.
You really really really deserve better than this - and I don't think anything is going to change, including the emotional pain you're still in when you're triggered by bad memories - until you start making a stand and making your actions consistent with the reality of your situation. He clearly has no respect for you whatsoever, and you're not going to get his respect by being compliant.
You say very regularly that you want to drop the rope, give him space, get on with your own life, etc. And you sound so strong and healthy and sure when you say that. And you do - you do a brilliant job of GAL and you're in IC and you're developing your career and interests and all sorts. You're an inspiration to me in that way. But it's like all that good work is sealed off from the part of yourself that's still hopelessly stuck on enabling your husband's poor treatment of you. It's like he's a miserable anchor holding you down.
Well the background to the family holiday stuff was that I told him about ds2 saying he wanted a family summer holiday this year because last year we didn't have one, and also because this time next year ds1 will have left college and who knows what he'll be doing. So this holiday wasn't H's idea, I just told him about ds2 wanting it, and I feel bad because ds2 almost never asks for anything. The destination I agree is controlling, as is him saying he'll only come for a weekend (though we did discuss dates a while back when I was going to take the kids away by myself, but the kids are awful at agreeing to anything). I told him I needed to think about it and he said 'well it was your idea, I won't bother' and I said I needed time. So I'm taking it. On the one hand, my priority is my kids, and I know it would be good for them to have a nice family holiday. On the other hand, my next priority is myself, and I don't know how I feel about it.
I'm thinking about a teen activity holiday, lots of activities and sports to keep everyone busy. And if H will come for most of that then he's welcome otherwise I won't let him come for just the weekend. He does need to bond with the kids and I don't think he knows how to right now. It's not just me he's rejecting and abandoning, it's them too even though he's often protesting about how much he loves them. So I think a week where the focus is on DOING stuff would be good, then I don't really care if H comes or not, but he's not just going to dip in for a short time because that would be inconvenient. The one thing I won't do is go somewhere with lots of happy memories, I don't want to pollute my memories like that.
I find myself feeling really angry with your H when I read your posts - and perhaps I am just projecting some of my own situation onto them, so read whatever I have to say with a pinch of salt and only take what is useful.
But you're not really allowed to say no to him and him still be friendly towards you, are you? You're not allowed to tell him he's not allowed a key for your car, he can pay his own rent, he's not allowed to have a party in your house and leave you to clear up his empty booze bottles, he's not allowed to speak to you with disrespect, he either participates in a proper family holiday or leaves you to enjoy one with your children, etc etc. Even a tiny sniff of non-compliance on your part - like asking for time to think about a holiday he's offering to book on your behalf, but not bother attending the majority of it, releases his teenage whinging self-centered self...
Has it always been like that? Has he always been such a self-centered child, and have you always catered to him?
I feel sorry for your kids. I know you are doing the best you can for them. But at least one of them wants a family holiday - and that means it's up to you to put yourself through the wringer to make that happen (okay, your H is arranging it, but we both know if it happens you will have to put up with so much poor treatment from him...) or to say no, and tell them why.
I can't help but think a family holiday involving your husband in any way is just another form of denial and while saying 'no' might hurt in the short term, it would be a huge step forward in terms of you accepting your situation and H realising you're not one of his employees. If he wants to bond with his kids he's more than capable of sorting out that himself. People whose marriages have ended don't go on holiday together.
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my priority is my kids, and I know it would be good for them to have a nice family holiday
It won't be a nice family holiday. He can't be bothered making time for your children, and only wants to come at the weekend. He'll drink too much or he'll try not to drink too much then be resentful at you for that. He'll be rude and miserable and blame you for it. Your kids will watch you being either upset at his behaviour, or disappointed that he still isn't interested in sex or spending more than two nights in the company of the children he claims to love so much. Don't make your decisions based on a fantasy.
Dilly, my dear, it is time to take care of yourself here, this is NOT working ...
I am having a hard time with reading your posts too and I also feel angry at your WH. I also know that you are allowing this and that is why it is not changing. I apologize for comparing you to Alison, but do you see how as soon as she puts up some boundaries, he responds? She is no longer allowing him to treat her a certain way and he is realizing that.
I really do not like the way your WH comes and goes as he pleases from your life. You deserve better than this cr-p! He left you a year ago! He leaves his W and he still gets to date her (when he feels like it or not), have family time and pretend he is a decent guy (cake), have family vacations if and when he feels like it (massive cake), and you are right there waiting and willing .... in fact, you even want to have s3x with him? WHY DO YOU WANT A MAN LIKE THIS?!? He doesn't even respect you.
More important than him, I can see how much this is hurting YOU. You feel anxious, you are looking for any sign of hope, and your confidence is low because you are allowing him to walk all over you. You keep trying to pursue him in hopes that he will change but he isn't ...
If my H left me and the kids (which he did) and then wanted to date me, go on a vacay, and have family time, I would tell him a clear "no, thank you." I would turn my cheek and I would invest in people that know how to respect me and prioritize me. Why? Because I know how I deserve to be treated. ... Dilly, how do you want your H to treat you? ...
So he gets to live his single life of booze and OW, then just have a weekend of family vacay so he can pretend to look like a real H and father, and then he is back on his way to single life? Meanwhile you are taking care of the kids the entire travel? I mean, why would he even want to give that up and come home? Especially when he knows you are clearly frustrated/disappointed with him. ... In short. He doesn't. And he won't.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow and what we do not allow. You are allowing the same behaviors. And so that is what you will get. I think it's time for you to do a massive 180, drop the rope, and cut him off in every way possible. Only allow emailing about kids and finances. Only reply to a call or text in a real emergency. The rest of him deserves nothing.
You can do it. It also increases the chance he will end his affairs and learn to value his W and family. Right now he can continue to be a selfish as$ because he has no reason to stop ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I agree with the others here. You are a dog on a chain. Think about it.
You wait for him to come home. The only owner you’ve ever known. He chooses to let you off the chain to play with him. He chooses if you are going for a walk. He chooses where you go for a walk. He chooses who spends time with you or pets you on the walk. Then he pets you and shows you love it he feels like it. He feeds you; not the good food, just an old sausage and maybe a piece of moldy cheese that was going in the trash. Then he puts you on the chain again and says let’s do this again next weekend. He goes home to his house and his other dog. You sit in the yard for a while, dig a hole to keep busy, and watch the other happy dogs walk by each day.
This is an analogy; I hope you see the parallels.
You sit there and hope for next weekend to get here because surely it will be different.
Going on vacation that he chooses for you is taking a walk but not getting to do or see what you want to.
Then he feeds you some scraps, you chow down and are happy to get that because you are hungry and don’t know any other way to get that feeling. It doesn’t reflect any level of care for you. It’s not satisfying but it’s better than starving.
Then you spend a bunch of time on the chain waiting for him to return and repeat the process.
Doing work all the time might keep your mind off it for a bit but it’s just digging holes.
Meanwhile you’re still just a lonely hungry dog in a yard full of holes on a chain waiting...for something that won’t come. Waiting for someone to love you instead of control you. If only you could find the strength to chew through that chain and go find that which you long for...
Its clear that you are still attached to him. It’s hard to let go! I’ve never been with anyone but my W. I am truthfully scared of being intimate with someone else; it’s unfathomable right now. Someday it will be different; but the emotional ownership she would have over me for another 6 months for 1 night of meaningless sex isnt worth it to me.
This cycle will never stop unless you stop it. Sending him on vacation with the kids while you do something else sounds like a good idea. He more than likely won’t do it because he isn’t in control and getting his family time.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Sending him on vacation with the kids while you do something else sounds like a good idea. He more than likely won’t do it because he isn’t in control and getting his family time.
I think these are extremely wise words. If your H was keen to bond with his children, he would be seeking out ways to address his drinking problem and his obsession with work and make some time to spend one on one time with them, no matter what is happening to your marriage and no matter what confusions he has about his feelings for you and the future of your relationship. You say he doesn't know how - but there are plenty of resources available for those of us not confident with our teenage children. I know this because I'm not confident, and have plenty of room to improve, and I don't rely on my H to teach me or facilitate my parenting, I call in a family therapist and read books and talk to mothers who have children older than mine. I seek support. Because it matters to me. Your H isn't doing any of those things. You can't pacify and enable him into being a better parent. I bet there's plenty to do with connecting with your kids that leaves you stumped - and you don't vanish off into work and a bottle and a secret flat - because you don't want to, and because even if you did want to, you don't get that choice.
This might feel like a pile-on, Dilly. And I hope these words of mine are received with kindness. If I was with you I'd be pouring you a cup of tea in my kitchen and telling you, with as much warmth as I can muster, that your H is not the man you want him to be, and nothing you do or don't do - NOTHING - will make him into that man. And it isn't your fault and it isn't your job to fix.
Definitely not ganging up on you Dilly, thanks Alison for bringing that perspective; it wasn’t even something I thought about. We are mostly all here to support others while learning about ourselves and we all have our own way of going about it. However we must all do for ourselves what is necessary even if it seems wrong, impossible, or unable to do any good at the current moment. Same for our spouses, they must do for themselves. We didn’t break them; we can’t fix them. We like fixing everything so that is just so tough.
I avoided conflict with my W at LL costs. I always felt like she was trying to pick a fight with me. She probably was. Conflict and disagreements are part of a healthy relationship. If we ever wind up piecing this back together that is a 180 that is worth it, having a different opinion and sticking with it. Self differentiation as Steve85 says. Be yourself. Be strong. Here is a hug.
Last edited by LB55; 06/30/1909:26 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
