I hear you Tad. I am sorry for the emotions that hold you.
I’ve been right where you are. There wasn’t a grand baby - it was my best friend and his wife (my W’s best friend). I had such a strong feeling that his wife was also going to suffer MLC. That they would break up and divorce. I was so terrified, I even called him in the middle of the night to see if everything was ok and to warn him. Thankfully my best friend was understanding.
Originally Posted by tadpole1025
I fear and am absolutely terrified that something will happen between them I will not get to see the baby. (She has a six-year old from a previous relationship.) Maybe they'll break up before getting married and she'll vanish or maybe they will get married, but divorce and she'll vanish and I won't get to see the baby.
You’ve said it very clearly. You are gripped in fear, terrified, paralyzed by an irrational emotional response to a possible future event. You need to uncouple your emotion from that possibility - then you will stop reinforcing your emotion - then you can let it go and let it wither.
Control. A lot of this is based from your perception of control - in a couple of ways.
To uncouple an irrationality from a perceived future possibility - rationalize it. Look at it with intellect only, just reason and logic - pure intellect doesn’t have emotions. (Get in your intellectual car for this next part)
If S24 and GF do at some future time break up, your being fearful and terrified is not going to stop it. You cannot control what happens with their relationship. S24 and GF are responsible for their happiness, their bliss, their problems, and their solutions. Yes, you could influence them, a bit, if they asked for advice. However, you are far from exerting any control over them. Their lives are very much their lives.
Tad, drag this possibility into your intellectual realm and keep it there. Your emotions will have nothing to hold on to.
The second control to look at is yourself.
You can only control yourself. Emotions, feelings, desires, beliefs - none of these you can directly control. Your direct control only applies (mostly) to your physical self and your thoughts - reflexes, dreams, and other such things are why we only mostly control these. Actions and reactions, both physical and mental, are the areas where you can exert direct control. This direct control then influences our emotions, feelings, desires, beliefs, and so on. One cannot directly control their irrational emotions; one “controls” their irrationalities with acceptance and influence.
If you smile, you feel happy. A physical action influenced your emotional state. Thoughts have a similar affect and influence, the reason why you need to drag this into you intellectual realm.
Given time and repetitive efforts your thoughts and “new” feelings will influence and alter your beliefs, the deep held values that make your core convictions. When you believe you are no longer afraid - you will be so.
What a person can control is a small part of themselves, a small window or interface to their being. It takes time and mental assertiveness to influence change within. It can be done, believe it.
From what you’ve said I see three fears - a break up (projection of your relationship), not getting to see the baby (abandonment), and having heart broken (hurt and pain).
(((Tad)))
I’ve been here. Letting go of fear is so worth the effort. Believe in yourself, believe in the strength you have, you can face this and be free.
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I know this isn't healthy at all and I can't do not want go through life like this, but and it is something that I can't help am going to change.
Look at your fears. Rationalizing the event (starts the uncoupling), influences your emotions, which leads to emotional understanding (acceptance), emotions are not reinforced and wither.
Like anything, this is accomplished one small step at a time. The first steps are the hardest - push back denial, admitting, and identifying. Tad, I think you’ve taken the first steps, do continue with the next one.
