Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

The problem in my sitch is that H is still clinging to the old R. He wants to talk about it all the time. I know I've mentioned earlier but I put a stop to that. I validated and validated his feelings, but it got to a point where it was just another list of my failures and I told them that I was not interested in hearing it anymore given that he was "done". (his words).

He said that he could respect that. Now he likes to talk about old times with anyone who will listen. I also feel him reaching out to me sometimes. It's very hard not to respond to that.


We MUST keep our expectations at zero to fully detach. Heck, sometimes I keep them at negative zero (not sure it's healthy or helpful) but when he comes over I imagine that he will be in the most foul mood and I gird my loins. I've yet to be disappointed with that approach because if he is sunshine and daisies, I am thrilled, if he's crabby and cranky, well, I'm girded up and I can respond appropriately.

I have told him (twice that I can remember) that I will not be spoken to in that way when he was rude. I was calm and just said, "I don't like it when you speak to me like that, if you can't be polite, you will have to leave". Guess what? He apologized and turned it around.

Had he left, I would have been fine, too.

Dilly, actually - everyone reading - this is not a perfect process. I've blown it more times than I can count. But I love the feeling of being able to manage my emotions and it was worth the 2 years DBing to get here. Keep doing what is working, and stop doing what isn't working. That is a major point I got from the books. Also, I still keep Sandi's Rules on standby.

I want to thank you all for contributing to this convo. It's really beautiful how much we are learning about ourselves and each other.