I am sorry that I have not been able to post for several days. I am way behind, and I may not get through today.
I have written several threads devoted to the subject of the wayward wife. If you have not read them, they may hold a few answers to your questions, or give you direction.
The first thread (even first page of the first thread) should help you determine if she is wayward. If you read and see your W in what I write, then I would say she is WW. Having an affair is not the only defining characteristic of the wayward W. She didn't get where she is now, overnight. That's why I write in that thread about the mindset of the WW.
Quote
One of my problems is that I’ve tried so many different approaches since March because none of them work that she thinks I’m crazy or have different personalities. I try to stick with what works, but every conversation is different. I truly don’t know if she is a WAW or WW, but it seems she’s a WW from what I’ve read on here. I’ve been nice and understanding, even trying to see things from her point of view, though I did still pursue her up until about 6 weeks ago. I have tried everything and since nothing seems to be working, I think have decided the tough love thing is what I may need to do.
She will do a lot of projecting in her conversations with you, or she'll say things that may seem completely illogical, or misfit in the discussion. Google search "word salad".
Your niceness may look fake to her, especially if you are trying too hard. And while on the subject of niceness, I want to add that a WW's sudden niceness needs to be a red flag for the unsuspecting LBH. While it may mean nothing, I can assure you that it usually means most anything.....other than a sign she's changing her mind about the MR. I want to warn H's of the WW who suddenly becomes affectionate, very chummy, wanting to hang out, etc. If she's been a sloppy housekeeper, or never cooks, washes clothes, etc..........and you go home to find it spotless and she's cooked your favorite meal, then I have one word. Beware! She's up to no good. It doesn't mean what the LBH hopes it means. He wants to believe it's a baby step of progress, although she may still having an affair, or whatever. Beware whenever there is sudden change toward her H.
The WW has to work through a lot of issues before heartfelt change takes place. Until she feels remorse for her waywardness, and humility in her heart, her overt niceness is not much more than one would give a total stranger. If the couple has not been working together to reconcile, the LBH should not jump to thinking it is a sign that she is "changing" just b/c she chose to be nice one day. Don't put much value in anything she does "suddenly". Look for consistent actions. As long as she holds onto the resentment, disrespect, blaming, score keeping, sense of entitlement, rebellion, selfishness, etc..........a sudden burst of niceness should be taken at face value (at the most). Her heart must soften in order for her to change on the inside. Most anyone can be nice for a few minutes, but is it genuine on the inside? So, if she has treated her H like garbage, and then out of the blue she suddenly starts gushing all over him........he better be careful, b/c she's playing games with him.
Quote
I took the approach that I messed up, so maybe it’s my time to eat crow. However it’s been 3-4 months. That’s long enough, especially with no changes and her not wanting to even work on our marriage AT ALL.
How long did it take her to decide she wanted a separation when you confessed your affair? My observation IRL has noted that most wives decide they want a separation upon hearing about H's affair, or a few days later. However, they don't have the changes you've described about your W (guarding cell phone, wearing more makeup, neglecting family, etc.). Some women have an exit affair or revenge affair.
From this day forward, you need to stop seeing the sitch as some type of payback or punishment for your own affair. Focus on being the man you want to become, and the father you want to be for your child.
Quote
I very sternly and respectfully demanded respect this week on webchat. In addition, I also confronted her on webchat outside of MC for the first time and let her know I know, but she still adamantly denies everything.
Can you explain what you mean by very sternly & respectfully demanded respect? Was she speaking in a disrespectful manner or something else? Do you mean you informed her that in the future you expected to be shown respect. IDK if you are referring to having respect while using the webchat, or if you told her over webchat that you would be respected.
I wish I had more time today to discuss tough love with you. There is a famous Christian author who wrote a book with that title, if you care to search for it. In the meantime, please don't inform your W that you are going to apply tough love with her. Don't tell her anything along those lines. Don't do anything until you know what it is you are suppose to do. Okay? Too many LBH's jump off into something new without really grasping it.
Hope to have a chance to post again this weekend. (hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
