Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[curtis7]

I was reflecting on my entire sitch over the past few days so I went back and read all of my cliff notes from the relationship/self-help books I've read since BD. Specifically, I re-read my DR notes and reviewed the initial list of marriage goals that I set in mid-December.

Here is the list:

1) I want her to be back with me by the end of January, building emotional desire, and finding lost feelings of love.
2) I want her to spend time with me and work on activities and projects together.
3) I want her to reconnect and experience her sexual fantasies with me.
4) I want to take her on dates.
5) I want us to talk about our future plans and goals together so we can have a shared vision and purpose.
6) I want her to call or text me occasionally to see how I'm doing and feeling.
7) I want her to feel comfortable around me to initiate conversation.
8) I want to have faith and trust in her again.

Now, over 6 months later, I realize none of these goals have been met and I can't say much progress has been made towards any of them. Maybe #7, but that's mostly neighborly small talk.

In retrospect, I need to assign a more realistic timeline to each of these goals and keep asking myself if what I'm doing is bringing me closer towards or farther from success. Early on after BD, I never imagined my sitch would play out the way it has and I was more optimistic that she would return to the MR more quickly. However, this is a marathon, not a sprint. At that time, I never appreciated the power of a limerant affair on a person and how irrational and selfish the thoughts of a WW could be.

I have concluded that: 1) I had very lofty expectations, 2) am very bad at DB, and/or 3) she has truly moved on and there is no hope that will ever change. I prefer to accept a combination of #1 and #2 as I still have hope.

Most of these are big goals and almost none of them are achievable while she is in an active A. I don't want to lose sight of these goals, but perhaps I should think small. As MWD writes: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Michelle writes about taking stock, if things are better, but not quite there yet, re-visit positively-stated, action-oriented, and doable goals to achieve in the next few weeks.

I do feel DB has helped reduce some of the anger WW had towards me. GAL, Validation, Acting As If, 180s, Time and Space seem to have helped in that respect. I just don't see the possibility in meeting any significant marriage goals while the A continues...patience is paramount right now.