Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[LB55]

I'm glad you had a good day, LB, and I hope you have many more of them. I just read your back story and all I can say is wow, you must be a pretty amazing person to be able to have forgiveness for the way your W treated you. And to recover from that shows a great deal of strength.

Thanks!

I didn't have forgiveness for a long time. You know why? Because I felt like this was all my fault and I couldn't forgive myself. She blamed me for everything. I tried to fix everything. I was never good enough. I was a failure in all respects. If one is a failure all of the time, its not even possible to strive to success, because you will just fail anyway so why try.

Forgiveness isn't for her, its for me. I have forgiven her, and me, because its healthy for me.

I am choosing at this time to not tell her I forgive her. Its not relevant. She wants to hear that to relieve her guilt.

From a recent conversation:
H: I think the false thinking here is that I am happier because of D. I am happier because I am asking for what I want, getting what I want, and being a man in charge of my own needs.
W: I am glad to hear that D is making you happier. It is making me happier too. I was feeling guilty for hurting you but am glad to know that I have spurred you on to better things.

This type of interaction shows me she is not ready to discuss much; she is still reading and hearing her own narrative. This was a text conversation, so its not like she didn't hear me correctly when I said D is not making me happier. She read and interpreted it as she wants to in order to fit her narrative. I can't change that; she must decide to. She isn't ready to listen so I am not comfortable talking to her about R stuff at this time.

Every time I pick up the kids or drop them off, after the business and kids stuff, she asks me if there is anything else I want to talk about. There is the pregnant pause and a somewhat expectant look that I should start a R talk. She wants me to start apologizing, groveling, pleading, and begging so she can squash me, re-live my failures and lay the blame on my shoulders, and humiliate me again to feel justified. I just reply 'nope' and get in the truck and leave. If she asks me a specific question and I can tell she is willing to listen and actually wants to hear what I have to say then I will proceed cautiously with that specific topic. No R talks until then; and even then it will be a cautious wade into the water for me.