Actually I came out of IC feeling like it was useful, I didn't even get to discuss the challenging because I feel like he did yesterday. I did cry a lot though, yesterday I just felt very emotional even before I went in. Maybe a combination of hormonal stuff (which has been better lately with a change in medication but maybe not a miracle cure), lack of sleep catching up with me and the reside of work stress after a big deadline.
Things did not improve. I had a pretty terrible evening with H. He was tired and was cold and prickly towards me, and when we discussed summer holidays he said he I should book some hot city break for a week and he would join us for a weekend (no, just no). Then we went to a restaurant we went to a few months ago and then when we got on the train and I realised he was going to get off at the same stop he did that time when I cried then I had a massive flashback and it was horrible. He got off and I pretty much ignored him and then I had a meltdown. I should not have had anything to drink yesterday, it was hot and I was feeling emotional and upset even without alcohol (lesson learned! Usually I'm ok because I drive to the station but didn't last night) Then I cried walking to the station and then on the train and then in the taxi and I sobbed on the phone to H which was stupid and counterproductive. So all in all I feel a bit dehydrated from the tears yesterday! It was pretty awful, I feel embarrassed and annoyed with myself. I did get some hugs from random strangers though, that was nice.
Most of the stuff yesterday was me, it wasn't anything to do with H (though the summer holiday stuff really upset me). I would like to learn from this because I don't want one of those flashback days to happen again, it really caught me off guard. It took me right back to post-BD days and I don't want to go back there again, my life and me are much better and stronger since then. Most of my life is just fine. I will pick myself up and carry on and get some dignity
