So I established in my mind that I did exhibit aholish behavior in my M, hence my prior thread titles. Through IC and plenty of talks with family and friends, I also established that I was for the most part reacting to excessively harsh criticism, remarks and controlling efforts from the W. So apparently my responsive defensiveness and stonewalling was textbook Behavioral Science 101. Doesn't mean that behavior was good for the R - it wasn't, and there are better ways that I have now learned - but it does offer comfort that no, I'm really not a jerk. I was just a guy with a strong frame and boundaries when it comes to respect and defended those boundaries forcefully. Which is not to fully justify all of my behavior or say that I have zero responsibility. Explanation, not justification.
So I'm done calling myself out for jerkish behavior, I know what happened I was there, and I almost done making peace with it. I am feeling the pull of a transition away from analyzing the M and its problems and who is to blame and why and so on, a pull in the direction forward not backward, on looking at the chart in front of me and picking my course, eyeing the hazards and also the sights I want to experience on the journey. I think I am feeling this pull more strongly now that I am closing in on a new home and the space that I will have from W. I see silver linings sparkling in the sun on the horizon. I don't know where things are going to end up but I am looking forward to the journey, even with its hardships, bring it on, life is beautiful.
