I think I've pinpointed what it is I struggle to understand about cake-eating.
So, in a committed relationship, it's fair for each person to expect certain things of the other - marriage is a contract as well as a covenant. I'm going to be my husband's wife, with all that that entails, on the assumption he's also going to be my husband. One or both of us might drop the ball from time to time and neglect our responsibilities, but generally, that's how it is and we both commit to that and agree on it.
Then BD happens. Marriage as we know it is dead. We might struggle to accept that, but eventually, we do. Which means husband does not want to be a husband, so he doesn't get a wife. Yes - that makes sense to me.
But the wife - she stands and waits. She's faithful. And eventually R starts to happen. Which doesn't involve resurrecting an old marriage, but building a new one. Dating.
And dating might look a lot like cake-eating - two people trying to size each other up, offering just a little, coming close then moving away again to process, to think, to recover. If I was dating someone and there was some form of 'no, we're not going to hold hands and watch the sunset together unless you commit to marriage and all that entails, today,' or 'no, I won't respond to any of your messages unless they contain a direct question about money and then I will reply with a one word answer and that won't change until you promise me commitment and fidelity and husbandly care and cherishing for the rest of our lives,' then it would be a CRAZY situation. How can the LBS know they want to R unless they get a little closer to the WS and see what is on offer? How can the WS decide if they do want to R unless they get a little closer to the LBS and see what has changed?
I'm not in that situation myself, obviously, and my H was very clearly offering not much at all so the situation is clearer with me and him than it is with you. But I can well see why it is an incredibly difficult line to draw out.
