Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

(((Deja)))) Yes. ZERO expectations! Too true!! The cake-eating thing is tricky, isn't it? I'm stuck between cake-eating and 180 land. One of my biggest 180's was to not be emotionally erratic, H pointed it out early on and he wasn't wrong. He didn't feel safe with me. For the past 2 years I have been steady-Eddie. So I don't always know when it crosses the line to cake-eating, and him sniffing around to see if I'm safe.

I've worked very hard on my emotional stability and I feel amazing. So while I wonder if I'm feeding him cake, I also know that he's mentally and physically in a bad way. I can be a rock right now and if he's cake-eating, then I think, that's on him. Now, I don't go crazy or anything, he still pays the bills (as he should!) and does a lot around here for me (also as he should) but he is also taking care of a lot of other things for me: he picks up and delivers my dry-cleaning, he cooks dinner for me, he still fills up my gas tank, he asks me every time we talk how I feel, how's my job, how everything is. He wants to give me 'go nowhere' back rubs...I could go on. If he's eating cake, so am I. Maybe that's my problem?

It's a weird sitch. I have to apply DB principles as best I can. I certainly don't do it perfectly (CAGD) but he is very drawn to me and I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. There was a time where he completely went dark and I left him alone. I just stopped everything. He slowly started coming back, and I think I let him too far back in, because he bolted like a bunny and lost his head. While I try to temp-check him, I worry that I'm too focused on him, so I default to doing what I feel good about doing and leave him to manage it on his own.


Alison, you know you are not alone!!! This is exactly the thought that goes through my mind!! The 'transactional' relationship. If I'm honest, H does more for me now than ever. We have dated more in the past 6 months than the past 10 years. I think it's because he felt me let him go. I truly have no expectations right now. I really don't know some days if he could ever be the man I want long-term. He has a lot to work through. So it's like we are dating, and feeling each other out. I know for a fact I don't want our old MR back, but this one? It's really nice. I don't know if I"m delusional or well-adjusted, and I'm not sure I want to know!!

Advice from the vets always appreciated.