I think you're doing really well, 97Hope - and your PMA is inspirational. I also worry about cake-eating.
I can't say I've ever understood the concept, really. I get it that a H who leaves and doesn't want to be in a marriage has no right at all to still get the benefits of marriage. When it comes to sex, wife-work, etc etc - that all makes sense to me. In my situation, my H coming to tea a couple of times a week and being waited on while he was grumpy, rude and sometimes verbally abusive was definitely cake-eating.
But where do we draw the line? When your H comes over and is friendly and affectionate and wants to get some affection and warmth and friendship from you, is that cake-eating? Is that him taking what he needs without offering anything in the way of real commitment in return? Would it be better for you to freeze him out and act as if he's 'the accountant' (as I know I suggested earlier). Or does returning affection once given, and making a space for those small friendly interactions as and when they happen mean you're keeping the door open and leaving the path home paved smooth?
I don't know what the answer is and I've really struggled with the concept because it seems to make love so transactional. 'I'll only show you love and kindness if you show the correct amount of remorse and commit to the marriage in ways that I decide matter to me,' does not sound like love or marriage or kindness to me.
But then I DB terribly, so I am not making a suggestion, only raising a point for discussion and advice from those more clear headed and experienced.
