Thank you both very much. I really do feel so supported when I read these messages, it’s a gift.
Blu—today was interesting. I was a mess this morning, I could hardly control the tears. I barely slept last night despite medicating myself. Thankfully my D3 was signed up for day camp today. I’m a stay at home mom, and I so needed that tome alone to be sad and not have to hold it together for her. I spoke on the phone with my closest friend who had been amazing throughout my sitch. I also managed to get in to see my IC who is amazing, and I felt a bit better after that. Tomorrow morning D3 and I are going away for the weekend with one of my best friends and her husband and kids. Prior to yesterday I was super excited about it. Last night as I lay awake crying I was dreading it. At this point I’m really looking forward to getting away with people who truly love me and my daughter and just have some fun. My H came this evening to be with D3. I read and re-read your messages before he came Blu, and re read Sandis rules. I also put ice packs on my swollen puffy eyes, because I don’t feel powerful when I know I look like I’ve been crying.
When he showed up I focused on remaining cordial but distant. I struggle with this part of things; I have always been a person who can not hide my feelings. They are just written on my face. I also struggle to find a mid point between friendly and straight up cold. I did my best but didn’t worry too much about it. I was probably more distant than cordial, and that’s ok. Mainly I did not want him thinking I was sad and crying all day. He took D3 out to dinner and I packed for tomorrow. He was trying to make small talk and inside jokes with me. I was not responsive. He left after D3 went to bed, and I feel exhausted, drained, sad and a bit empowered because I did my best to take control of my feelings and my interaction with my H. If I’m honest I’m also feeling a bit disgusted. Who the f*** is this person?
I believe what you say about the possibility that this all may feel worthwhile someday, regardless of my H. My IC told me today that she sees that I have truly transformed through all of this, and that she can see that I will continue to do so. I know I’m a better person now than I was a year ago, I can feel it. And I am trying to believe that someday I will be able to really enjoy that fact. As night is falling though, I feel the pain and the heartbreak and the horrible, horrible thoughts entering my mind. I find dusk to be the worst time of day. My daughter is in bed and it’s just very sad and lonely right now. I’m really, really grateful for the support I’m finding from being on this board.
Blu, I’m in Northern California, in the San Francisco Bay Area. I’m very curious what tips you off that we might be close?
