"I think we need to talk. I believe we have reached the end of our marriage. It was a good run, but I think we both know it's time to move on. Please know that I love you. Don't be angry. It will do no one any good. We have kids to think about. Let's figure out a plan that works best so no lawyers are involved because they will steal the money. I will obviously need to find a real job but please help me in this process. Don't make me the enemy. We aren't each other enemies. Let's think about the kids and what is best all around. I'm not out to hurt you or try to take everything. It's not in my nature to be that way. I would like to find an apartment nearby so we can make the transition for the kids as smooth as possible. I think we will all be happier in the long run."
OK so that's a fairly classic BD (Bomb Drop). Your general attitude should be "I don't want divorce, I would rather you stay here and work on the M, but if moving out is what you want I will not stand in your way." Here's the thing though, do not do any of the work for her. Don't help her find a place, don't fund her separation activities, don't help her move, don't even move out of the bedroom. Make her do ALL the work. If she wants to go get an apartment then fine, she can get a job and get an apartment. DON'T MAKE THIS EASY ON HER. If you try to help her with this she will lose what little respect she may still have for you.
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"The man from Starbucks was of course very flattering in a time that I was extremely vulnerable but I realized that isn't what I want either. I need to grow and rediscover myself. It's a personal journey"
Well at least you know why she wants to move out. To open the door to more affairs.
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"What if you just move into my mom's room for now or vice versa. We can uncouple peacefully and gently. I know how confusing this must feel. This is my independence and self realizations that you are witnessing. It's not an attack on you. By staying under one roof as a non couple it will give more time to sort out financial stuff better and allow for my job process. I think this will be the best way for now."
What a load of WAS drivel. "uncouple peacefully and gently" LOL! Look, don't believe the smoke screen. She wants to set all the terms and she wants you to buy into it. Don't. Again just reiterate to her that it's not what you want, but if that's what she wants then fine she is free to proceed and you will not stop her. BUT YOU ARE NOT MOVING OUT OF THE BEDROOM OR THE HOUSE, AND YOU ARE NOT FUNDING HER ANTICS, PERIOD. Stand your ground on that.
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Yesterday she fixed up our guest BR ("mom's room") and plans to stay in the house until she has a FT job and can live "independant".
Fine, don't stand in her way if that's what she wants.
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She has stated she is not out to hurt me but suggested that I should move out maybe, I have no intention to do so.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! One of the other guys here moved out under the agreement with his W that it was temporary, he was hoping to appease his wife. Guess what she did, she immediately changed the locks. He tried to move back in and couldn't get in the house. He was later told by the court that since he VOLUNTARILY moved out that he gave up his rights to live there. Don't move out!
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She even said that my 20 and 12 yo said me moving out is good idea
She's lying. Get used to that, she may have never lied to you before but she is not who she used to be. You're now married to a lying cheater. She may go back to her old self some day, but for now you need to understand what you are up against.
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but has said she doesn't want any "strange" men in the house.
I would be crystal clear with her that that will NOT happen. If she wants to have affairs she needs to be gone, period.
