It's not pathetic, Dilly. it's really really hard and really painful. It is also very scary.
I knew - always - that if I dropped the rope, that there was no chance that H would come to me. There was never a chance he'd come and show remorse or even curiousity about his own motivations and the parts of our marriage he was responsible for. He just isn't capable of that - it isn't to do with me, he can't do it in any of his relationships and I suspect the type of relationship he prefers is one that's really lonely and unsatisfying for me. I took such a really really long time to accept that, hanging on to the rope because dropping it would never be about giving him a chance to pick it up and come closer, but about closing the door on a huge part of my life's past and hopes for it's future. It's the hardest, hardest most painful thing, and not being able to do it right away, or in the way other people think you should, or on the timeline that they believe it should happen, is in no way pathetic.
But I can say this: it's also very freeing. There's sadness and anger and fear for me - now I think I've just about managed to do it (so far - obviously I could backslide and probably will at some point) but I've given myself such a gift. Flogging a dead horse is tiring and the horse doesn't really care either way - because it can't.
Do you have some good actions lined up next for yourself?
