It's no wonder you get tired of doing all the parenting when it seems that H is on some type of soul vacation, but it really is H's loss. Even the mundane and tough parts of parenting are missed when they leave home as adults. When I start to get frustrated at my H - I realize that I would not trade places with him for anything. Honestly, as bad as this is, and as much as it hurts sometimes, I'm not blowing up my family and acting like an alien has possessed me. That's not to sound judgmental, I do have compassion for the guy, but I would not want to be living his life right now. He's a mess and it sounds like yours is, too.
I have to be fair here - he is seeing Youngest a lot, and doing school pick up and drop off. When I let him into the house he would often - though not always - do some cleaning or laundry or change the kids' bed linen while he was here. The amount of housework he did was never an issue in our marriage at all. And I can't blame him for not being more present when I've decided not to let him into the house.
It's the mental load that gets to me, I think - the remembering of homework and letters for the teacher and making sure there's enough milk and the play dates are sorted and thank you letters sent - all that administration of running a house. Obviously he's not doing any of that at all, and it's all on me. That is the way it is when a marriage ends and the children are mainly resident with one parent, and to share it would involve close collaboration he is incapable of offering, so I need to accept it. I don't believe he's doing it on purpose or trying to punish me - and because I know he's an 'acts of service' man I know that even when things were very bad when he came to the house and cleaned up a little, he was trying to demonstrate something about his willingness to try to be a good father and perhaps even a husband. It just isn't enough. And the fact is, there's a lot on my shoulders at the moment and though I am seeing friends very often, I feel lonely for a proper partner.
I know I felt lonely for a proper partner when he lived here though. So none of this gives me the urge to invite him back!!
I wouldn't really want to be living his life now either. He is still on vacation from work and is very isolated. Other than his computer games, and sometimes a bit of sport, I don't really have any idea how he spends his time. He seems a little healthier looking in the past month or so, which is good, but I am guessing (I have no idea - but given my last interaction with him I have my suspicions) that he is still drinking daily. Unless something has changed drastically in the last few months he has very few friends, nobody close, and isn't close to his family. I have no idea if he's content with the life he's choosing right now, but I know I wouldn't be in his shoes. I also know that his inability to cope with normal family life and the normal 'demands' of interacting with a fellow human being, not least the mother of his children - has nothing at all to do with me.
I've really struggled this past seven months with feeling like I am in 'limbo' - not a wife, not a single woman, and not working on either getting divorced or making a repair. I don't feel like that any more. I think what has changed is that I am not 'waiting' for him to do or say anything any more. I am very clear that what is on offer isn't enough. That more of the same isn't what I want. That I can say no and be fine. I do have such a strong sense that I can take care of myself and move forward when I am ready and that I will be okay. I didn't have that before. I felt trapped and miserable in my awful marriage and when he left, I felt trapped and miserable in a limbo I felt he was inflicting on me. Now I feel much freer. NO matter what happens I will never be in that marriage again. And it is in my power to proceed on a divorce if and when the time is right with me.
