How To Treat Spouse With Children

[HrtHsbnd]

It can be hard to tell sometimes. It doesn't really matter because the DB'ing approach is the same either way.

That’s good! I have been trying to listen to the rules and do them.

This is a common feeling with LBS's- "how can I show her my changes if I never see her." You'd be surprised though. WAS's have almost a 6th sense about what's going on with the LBS. They can tell when they're desperate even if they try to act like they're not, and they can tell when they've moved on. They can tell when they've changed as tricks to get them back, and they can tell when they've REALLY changed. Don't worry about how much "face time" you're getting with her, just keep working on your changes and be patient.

So then do you really recommend just totally pulling away and loving on so that she sees that instead of being desperate?

I feel like it’s the same as the other in that I need to find the right balance, right?

Leaving and coming back can cause a lot of resentment. If you go back you have to do it for you, don't do it because you're hoping it will garner favor with her (it probably won't). In house separations rarely lead to reconciling. Personally I think separation in the long run is a good thing, but it's better when the WAS is the one that leaves because then they have to face some hard realities about what they are doing.

I came back home because I was told to and because I thought I was doing what the best for our family. It definitely wasn’t to garner her favor, as she didn’t want me to come back yet. While it’s best that the WAS leave, do you think it’s any different that I left?

Right now her mindset is that nothing you do is good enough. Your apologies aren't thoughtful enough, your changes are too little too late, if you lose weight you're too skinny, if you change your wardrobe you're wastefully spending money, if you put on a happy face you're being a jerk, etc. etc. This is why we say to do these things for you, because if you do it for her you will be constantly disappointed and disillusioned at her lack of a reaction (or at her reacting negatively). Your changes will have a cumulative effect on her over time, but not a positive immediate effect.

This is perfect and exactly what she’s said to many people. I have changed and am changing for myself, so that I can be the best person I can be with or without her.

Quite right. After LBS's get BD'd they tend to really double down on beta behavior trying to appease their WAW. Give her anything and everything she's complained about. Suddenly turn into the world's greatest housekeeper doing laundry and helping more with the kids and such. Wait on her hand and foot. Follow her around like a puppy dog. Beta stuff doesn't attract a WAW back, in fact it just makes the LBS look needy and desperate. No matter how alpha someone is, BD will transform them into a desperate beta for some period of time. It's no reflection on you personally, we've all been there. It's just something to be mindful of during your recovery.

Also on this same subject, wanting to strut your changes around for her to see is beta. Changing for you and not worrying about whether she notices or not, that's alpha. The latter will have far more impact on her.

I agree. I did all of this for several weeks, then decided I was done with it. I realized I didn’t have her respect, so I wasn’t going to get anywhere with her until I did. I hope I’ve got that respect again.