So so new to this :(

[DnJ]

Good Morning Nyla

I am glad your time at the summer cabin was beneficial - realizing you really don’t “need” H in your life. I know just how wonderful and sad that realization is; have faith the sad feeling is just that - a feeling - it will fade. Wonderful does take over and becomes more, stay the course.

Great job navigating the fog and storm. What an excellent adventure for you and your kids. Pretty sure you have gone up a few notches in role model status. Definitely being the best Mom you can be. (((Nyla)))

Nice to see you have some legal information and it is good. And I agree with peacetoday, it’s a good idea to have checked the credit card and see the spending. It sounds like you are watching and taking steps to protect yourself and the kids, well done.

I haven’t dealt with the pictures issue yet as H is not in the same country as I am.

This is a good thing, as odd as that might sound. The picture issue wasn’t going to be dealt with well while it was boiling and bubbling over. After a week has passed I am sure those feelings of rage have subsided and you can look at it with a more intellectual approach.

I get what you are saying: You haven’t dealt with the picture issue yet - with H.

However, you have being dealing about the pictures with your kids and yourself. The very places you can exert control. Just want to reframe that a bit.

A suggestion for you (which you may have noticed in the previous two statements). Drop the word issue. It make it an issue. Yes, the picture are vulgar, insensitive, not appropriate, mindlessly unprotected from children’s view, and so on. However, an issue elevates this even more and puts H on the defensive, and if you want to remedy this, him being defensive is not going to be helpful.

Also issue implies it needs a solution. Of course you and kids need a solution, or more accurate a resolution since this really cannot be solved - by you. That is the problem by making this an issue (for you), the solution is beyond your control.

A solution is when all sides of the problem are, well for lack of a better word, solved. All parties agree to work towards the “fix”.

A resolution is more an accepting “solution”. A single party can find a “solution” that fixes things for themselves, while the problem, which is totally beyond their control, still remains unsolved. That, I think sums up our best interactions with our MLCer quite well.

So, deal with the pictures for what they are, and find a resolution that protects the kids. Something you have already being doing with the discussions with the kids. Do you need to fight an issue with H? With no issue, you can just place a boundary on his pictures / devices and find a resolution. Something to consider.

I share this because I have had to deal with many “issues” with XW. None were ever solved. I did, however, find resolution to the event, her behaviour, her actions. The flaunting adultery is such an example, what an unsolvable issue. However, it was completely within my realm to resolve, to find acceptance.

By the way Nyla, Gerda, and R678. Yes that was one of many crazy painful things that XW did. She behaved terribly. And I suffered terribly, something I learned was within my control to grow and move from. I existed for months in a dark abyss, surrounded by my demons and fears, and I could not see a way out. In time the light shined through and pushed back the darkness. Anyone reading along - no matter where you are in your journeys, no matter how dark things seem, have hope, and have faith - it will get better!

Finding acceptance and realizing the MLCer needs to be that cruel to try to justify their actions, provided my resolution of this. XW has to do what she has to do - it is well beyond my control. She expends great energies maintaining her fantasy, she has to. When / if it comes crashing down, what then? She cannot accept that, she must find a way to push back those thoughts.

However, I am a hopeful guy. I think the MLCer eventually might find their resolution / acceptance to their pain - just like I did for mine. Wouldn’t that be a nice thing? I live pretty much pain free and fear free. I would love XW to experience that as well.

Sorry about my meanderings there Nyla.

I have started to feel if there’s any point in standing for our marriage.

You are doing some very good reflecting and digging within yourself. One does reach the point of questioning standing.

Try this - Stand for our your marriage.

I know what a weird ride this. Focus on you. Find your beliefs and values. Stand for you!

I just don’t understand why he’s throwing all this away. I’m just so sad now…

I don’t know if I’m feeling like giving up now because I’m just tired or what it is. I just miss my old life.

Letting go is hard.

There will be a time when you look at this less as what he has thrown away, what you have lost, and more of what you have been blessed with.

I miss my my old life too, and love my new one. It probably seems strange to think and feel that living like that is possible. It is possible and not even that strange - anymore.

I’ve endured a crazy, blinding fog that surrounded me and the kids...

All this I survived and feel so empowered by it!

Like the summer cabin. You will weather the fog and storm of this situation, of that I have no doubt. You are one tough and compassionate gal.

I totally understand all the uncertainty of your actions with the kids, the responsibilities, the lack of help from H, it can be a bit overwhelming - at first.

You will find a strength you never knew you had. Abilities you may have doubted, overlooked, and didn’t even recognize. You are surviving this storm and I see how empowered you are.

You’ve got this.

DnJ