Well I’m not sure if she is a WAW or WW because she shows so many signs of a WW, but she does have a good reason to be a WAW.
It can be hard to tell sometimes. It doesn't really matter because the DB'ing approach is the same either way.
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Yes and I agree with you that words don’t matter with her. She has told me this before and our MC told us this last week. It’s hard to show her my actions because she won’t even be in the same room with me, except for MC. So I’m trying to GAL and continue to work on my 180’s to show her the person I am.
This is a common feeling with LBS's- "how can I show her my changes if I never see her." You'd be surprised though. WAS's have almost a 6th sense about what's going on with the LBS. They can tell when they're desperate even if they try to act like they're not, and they can tell when they've moved on. They can tell when they've changed as tricks to get them back, and they can tell when they've REALLY changed. Don't worry about how much "face time" you're getting with her, just keep working on your changes and be patient.
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If that’s the case, then I would hope I would get back that respect and more by coming home.
Leaving and coming back can cause a lot of resentment. If you go back you have to do it for you, don't do it because you're hoping it will garner favor with her (it probably won't). In house separations rarely lead to reconciling. Personally I think separation in the long run is a good thing, but it's better when the WAS is the one that leaves because then they have to face some hard realities about what they are doing.
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You are so right here. I have apologized for the past 3-4 months for everting, including individually and I’m done. I even told her that the other day. Our therapist has even told her I’ve apologized for everything I’ve done because she doesn’t think I have.
Right now her mindset is that nothing you do is good enough. Your apologies aren't thoughtful enough, your changes are too little too late, if you lose weight you're too skinny, if you change your wardrobe you're wastefully spending money, if you put on a happy face you're being a jerk, etc. etc. This is why we say to do these things for you, because if you do it for her you will be constantly disappointed and disillusioned at her lack of a reaction (or at her reacting negatively). Your changes will have a cumulative effect on her over time, but not a positive immediate effect.
Originally Posted by Gekko
Alphas are alpha 100% of the time IMHO. It is so engrained that they know no other way. I totally believe you when you say you have alpha traits. I'm on your side man. But we have to face facts - moving out was a beta move. Getting ordered by the court to move the eff out AGAIN- that is a beta result and a ding on your rep even if you fought it - you lost. So is over-apologizing - beta. Spinning is beta.
Quite right. After LBS's get BD'd they tend to really double down on beta behavior trying to appease their WAW. Give her anything and everything she's complained about. Suddenly turn into the world's greatest housekeeper doing laundry and helping more with the kids and such. Wait on her hand and foot. Follow her around like a puppy dog. Beta stuff doesn't attract a WAW back, in fact it just makes the LBS look needy and desperate. No matter how alpha someone is, BD will transform them into a desperate beta for some period of time. It's no reflection on you personally, we've all been there. It's just something to be mindful of during your recovery.
Also on this same subject, wanting to strut your changes around for her to see is beta. Changing for you and not worrying about whether she notices or not, that's alpha. The latter will have far more impact on her.
