Work is going really well - some exciting opportunities on the horizon and after a quiet time, a lot of interesting stuff cropping up. I feel like the rest of this year is going to be really interesting for me work wise, and I am looking forward to getting my teeth into that. My work has always been really important to me - sometimes unhealthily so - and I am going to have to watch that I have a good balance between solitude, time for self care and reflection, time to have fun with and nurture the kids, and work. My work is of the type that it is never really done, and will swell to fill the time allowed to it. I have been really dysfunctional and addicted in the past. It had an impact on my marriage but also my health and well being so I am going to watch for that.
Both kids seem settled and happy. Having some good conversations with Eldest, who seems more settled. I know he is very hostile towards H and I wonder if my excluding H from the house, in the light of his poor behaviour and continued verbal and emotional abuse of me, is going to make Eldest feel like he's 'won' in the power struggle he likes to conduct with his father. That would not be good for him. He is still seeing his counsellor and I am still holding firm to the boundaries agreed with the family therapist. He's been very clingy - not seeing friends as much and wanting to be near me a lot of the time - and I also need to make sure that is healthy and he is getting his emotional needs met in other ways (his friends, wider family, etc) and not overly relying on me. It is hard to know what to do best, but I am going to raise it with my IC too and get some guidance.
I'm struggling with a bit of anger today. Nothing new from H - but I keep imagining conversation we might have where I finally get to say all the things I keep to myself in favour of placating him or keeping the peace. Giving him a piece of my mind would not improve our situation nor would it be in the best interests of me or my children. But the anger is there. It's been bubbling away for a while. I feel more and more contempt for him and the way he lives and conducts himself with others. In calmer moods I feel pity. I don't want to be bitter or consumed by these negative feelings. and I certainly am not going to act on them. But they are there today and I am working on letting them pass.
