So so new to this :(

[Nyla79]

Hi again and thank you all for your messages <3

I’m still in my hometown for one more week. It has been therapeutic but at the same time very hard to be here. All the memories are popping up and when I’ve spent time at our summer cabin, I just don’t understand why he’s throwing all this away. I’m just so sad now…

I haven’t dealt with the pictures issue yet as H is not in the same country as I am. I have thought that I won’t allow him to have the kids at his place for a while now. Not that any of them would even go. They’re all protesting this new relationship and the OW moving in and saying they will not go and stay at his house while she lives there. Except my oldest (D14) did say she might go just to mess with the OW. I said to her that even if she would manage to smoke this woman out of her fathers life, it doesn’t mean he would come back home, he might just find someone else. That he will not come back until he wants to, and that might not even happen at all. I just don’t want her to have false hope.

I talked with a lawyer last week and the clock on our divorce has not started because I haven’t returned the signed papers to the court yet. This means that I don’t have to rush to move out of our house because while we are legally married, he is obligated to support me and the children and in the country where I live I can file a court order to make sure he does that. If not, the court will seize his salary. Which is good, I think, as I just saw his credit card statement and he has spent close to 1 000 € on hotels and what not with the OW just in the last month.

I have started to feel if there’s any point in standing for our marriage. I don’t know who this person is anymore, and I wouldn’t want him back the way he is. And knowing how proud he is, I doubt he could ever even come back if/when he comes out of the fog. I just feel that he has hurt me and the kids too much.
Now that I have spent time at our summer cabin alone I have also realized that I really do not need him in my life, and then of course I have started to think if I want him in my life anymore. Our summer cabin is on an island and I’ve always been quite timid when it comes to driving the boat, and spending nights there alone without him. Now in the past week I’ve endured a crazy, blinding fog that surrounded me and the kids while we were driving the boat to the island, and storm that stranded us to the island for two days and having to drive the boat thru the same storm because we ran out of food on the island. All this I survived and feel so empowered by it!

So now I’m wondering has too much happened? I’m tired of trying to deal with this all and trying to be a good parent for the kids at the same time. I constantly question my actions, like what I talk to them about, do I tell them too much, am I talking to them as their age requires? This is all so unfair.

Oh DnJ, I can just feel the pain your wife caused by flaunting her adultery to you. Why do they have to be so cruel to us? We’re already having to deal with so much in all this.

Gerda, I have tried to focus on beautiful things, and most of the time I am actually quite happy, I look at my kids and I’m so thankful that I have them and even though I would have never wished this upon us, it has made me even closer with my kids. They can talk to me about anything now, and I really like that. I’m also so proud of them for standing up for the values and morals we have been raising them with, even when it means they’re standing up against their father.

I don’t know if I’m feeling like giving up now because I’m just tired or what it is. I just miss my old life.