Boring thread title but I am too tired to be creative! So, quick journal. I have been working like a dog the last week or so, it's been good to have something to focus on and to feel like I'm good at. I certainly don't feel like I'm good at DBing right now.
I took the kids to see H on Sunday, we had lunch and then went to do one of the fun activities that H and I have been doing together the last few months. It was good fun, then the kids wanted to get a particular train home so we had to run off and leave H as he had a bad stomach (he has had a bad stomach a LOT in the last 6 months, but judging by his beer belly he's not malnourished as a result). He looked pretty tired after his work event but he also actually smiled and laughed a bit during our activity, such a rare sight. He got the kids some donuts and asked me to send him a photo of them eating them so I did. I texted him last week saying I have a really busy week this week. He didn't mention meeting up on Sunday or text me so yesterday morning I sent him a text saying 'I assume you don't want to meet this week' and he sent back this weird text saying he can't take my 'vitriol' and that I had said I was busy and I'd run off on Sunday before we could arrange anything (abandonment issues alert!). I rang him to say WTF? and he was really short. Anyway we ended up agreeing to meet on Thursday, he also said that my original text was 'not polite' though he did also apologise for misinterpreting it (I have complicated logistics this week and a lot of work to fit in round it). I ought to know better than to contact him on a Monday morning though, it's crap timing.
I've been thinking hard about how I get my hopes up when H is nice, like the other day when I met him for a drink and validated him about his work stress. My IC pointed out that maybe he's just being nice because I'm meeting his needs, but then he's not meeting my needs. And same with going out with him with the kids. Maybe he's just nice then because he knows I facilitate him seeing the kids rather than because he loves me deep down. So maybe instead of thinking 'hooray he loves me really, he's just confused and we will get back together slowly eventually' I need to think 'well, obviously he's being nice to me if I'm the only person who will listen to him about work and the only person who helps him get on with his kids'. Food for thought. I find it so difficult not to mind read or to get my expectations up, which is ridiculous after so long.
Anyway, this weekend I have a 2 day work thing so I'll be out both days. H is coming home to take ds2 to his activity on Sunday but I won't be there when he is. Next week I have a similarly busy week so I might not arrange to see him at all. Although it does seem like I'm focused on him on here, in fact I have been up to my eyeballs in work which has been engrossing, and I have seen a couple of friends and barely mentioned H to them, which is progress I think. I have some great GAL activities lined up for the rest of this week. And I want to be thinking about how to ask for what I need in IC this week, working on boundaries and being assertive is top of my list. And sleep, I need some sleep before I go loopy.
