I just read quite a bit of your sitch. I can certainly relate to your feelings around cake-eating vs preserving that small amount of quality time together (in some hope that it will trigger him wanting to put things back together and remind him of what he will be missing). I actually struggled with that one for a long time -- many months -- and I would allow H to have family dinners, holidays together and even tried to "save face" in front of the kids. It was especially hard for me tho because I knew about OW and that he was running right back to her when he left. I cringe now to think I allowed any of that. I feel I should have axed off all family time as soon as he moved out and see myself as a doormat. This is me looking back on it years later through a different lens. UGH. I was weak.
Why wasn't I stronger than that? I let him leave me for OW and then do whatever he wanted -- pretend to play family and then live a single life? Why didn't I simply let him be, go dark and hold my head up high? HIS LOSS, OH WELL! (or at least act that way)> He chose to have an A and then chose OW and left me, so he deserved NOTHING from me -- no time together, no attention, no sympathy -- I should have gone dark been indifferent around him and saved my emotional process for safe friends/support. Instead, I cycled between angry/lashing out and then became needy/desperate. I think the strong position would have been to simply let him go -- H doesn't get to control me or my emotions and quite frankly, he chose to break apart this family, so there is no more family time. Period. Oh how I wish I could go back and advise my freshly scorned self!
I also tend to take a much firmer stance than a lot of posters here. Partly because I think that is what works to "win" back a WH and also, more importantly, because I think it serves us better as the LBW and our own integrity. I can see your struggle with allowing the cake eating and I read it in your first posts. It doesn't feel good. I can read that you feel you are compromising yourself. Your husband walked out on you with a little girl, tells you he wants D, and now you guys are having pancake breakfasts on Saturdays as if everything is fine. Of course you are hurting and confused by this! Each time you are together, you feel hope. When he gives you that glance, you feel hope. When you see your D3s little face light up, you feel hope. Could it be that your not so much feeding him cake as you are giving yourself too much hope? Is this "hope" making it harder to let go?
So if you decide, no more cake eating, and you are ready to let it go, then do just that. You do not have to talk about it. You do not need anymore R talks. Boundaries do not need to be discussed or even stated. They are simply the actions you take moving forward. He shows up, you leave. They start making pancakes, you look confused and let him know you have other plans. Do not let his reactions or wanting to talk about it change your course. You are a strong woman and mother, you make your own choices about who makes pancakes in your kitchen and you have your own weekend plans.
DROP THE ROPE. TODAY. YOU CAN DO IT.
And while this may or may not help you -- I will say it -- and that is that men to not leave their Ws to be alone, they leave them for OW. That comes up in almost everyone sitch here and posters will deny, deny, and only to come back months or years later and say yes, there was OW. I know it makes people mad or irritated that I assume that, but it's true and it's a reality that deserves to fuel a little more anger and detachment than I see from the LBWs .... All Ms have issues. As are never justified.
Drop the rope, my dear, you deserve sooooo much more than his cr-p pancake breakfasts ....
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
