I just need to try to continue to be nice without being mean or rude.
Originally Posted by LB55
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What do you mean by "tough love"? What are you planning to do differently?
My thought was to be short, not talk to her, not respond to any text, demand respect, etc.. Basically, to just stop caring anymore.
How will that work out in your mind? Seriously, read what you wrote.
Now go do those actions to anyone you know. Your sister, your friend at church, a co-worker, someone on your soccer team, the flight attendant, a waiter at a restaurant, your golf caddy, a business client, or the school bus driver.
See how they respond. Call it a social experiment. Soon you won't have a W nor will you have any friends or acquaintances.
I feel your frustration; you're hurting and you aren't sure how to deal with things. I am no expert, but I do know that treating her like that won't help you achieve one single goal you have for yourself or your desires for the future with or without her.
It’s VERY hard and not knowing what it truly looks like makes it even harder.
I just need to continue to be nice and fun without going to an extreme, which is hard for me.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Sandi's Rules"
Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
My thought was to ... not talk to her, not respond to any text, demand respect, etc.. Basically, to just stop caring anymore.
Originally Posted by "LBS5"
How will that work out in your mind? Seriously, read what you wrote.
This exactly! HrtHsbnd, being happy and caring when you don't receive it is hard. It's easier to show resentment or coldness to another human who's rejecting you. See Sandi's rule above, but the thought experiment is a good idea--accusations and coldness are rarely attractive.
Well I’m trying to listen, validate and seek to understand. She is on a rollercoaster of emotions and so every day brings a different emotion. I try not to read into it, but I find myself adapting to her emotions, which makes it hard.
Yes she will be all over the place for a while. You can listen and validate without riding the coaster with her though. When we talk about "riding the coaster" we're referring to her peaks and valleys, her mood bouncing around. Your goal is to stay off the coaster, while she rides the peaks and valleys you are off to the side remaining steady and constant. You are the rock.
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I feel that this is the hardest part of all of this to do for me, lovingly detach. Any suggestions?
Pattern your behavior after Sandi's rules. That's what I'm saying- those rules are the template for lovingly detaching.
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My thought was to be short, not talk to her, not respond to any text, demand respect, etc.. Basically, to just stop caring anymore.
What do you think I meant when I said you can't "mean" her back? Extremes don't work. LB made some great points on why.
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That’s why I was able to come back home without any issues. We’ve already gone to court to discuss the issue and I got kicked back out again.
Wait, I thought you said she changed the locks and you couldn't get in, are you living at home or elsewhere?
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I just need to continue to be nice and fun without going to an extreme, which is hard for me.
Hate to sound like a broken record, but you can't "nice" her back. And you can't "mean" her back. STRIKE A BALANCE. It's not about being nice or mean. It's about you being you and giving her time and space. You limit interactions with her, but when you do have to interact, you let Sandi's rules guide that behavior. Sandi's rules are about respecting her need for time and space, acting like you are OK no matter what happens, not having R talks, dressing well, looking good, focusing on your health, etc.
Yes she will be all over the place for a while. You can listen and validate without riding the coaster with her though. When we talk about "riding the coaster" we're referring to her peaks and valleys, her mood bouncing around. Your goal is to stay off the coaster, while she rides the peaks and valleys you are off to the side remaining steady and constant. You are the rock.
Is that more of the look of a WAW or a WW? Do they both do that?
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Pattern your behavior after Sandi's rules. That's what I'm saying- those rules are the template for lovingly detaching.
That is exactly what I’m trying to do. I think the hardest part for me is finding that balance.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
What do you think I meant when I said you can't "mean" her back? Extremes don't work. LB made some great points on why.
It’s finding that balance. Any suggestions on how to do that with words? I feel like I’m giving her time and space, dressing well, looking good, focusing on my health, etc. I just feel like I could do more when we interact with our son on webchat.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wait, I thought you said she changed the locks and you couldn't get in, are you living at home or elsewhere?
Yes I moved back in, but was ordered to go to an apartment since I had moved out.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Hate to sound like a broken record, but you can't "nice" her back. And you can't "mean" her back. STRIKE A BALANCE. It's not about being nice or mean. It's about you being you and giving her time and space. You limit interactions with her, but when you do have to interact, you let Sandi's rules guide that behavior. Sandi's rules are about respecting her need for time and space, acting like you are OK no matter what happens, not having R talks, dressing well, looking good, focusing on your health, etc.
This is what has been so hard for me to do. Because I’ve been trying to be so apologetic, I’ve let her run all over me. She knows I am definitely alpha, but I just haven’t been acting like it because I messed up.
You are right it is a little awkward at first....it was hard for me to get used to it. Early on I dreaded every kid exchange, I had no clue what to say or how to even interact. Just keep your conversations strictly about finances or the kids (business related matters). I am not sure what else there is to discuss when your separated. Always be friendly, upbeat and polite. Never ask her any personal questions or talk about personal things going on in your life either. I still do not ask my XW any personal questions and we have been divorced for over a year. Kid exchange is brief and most of our conversations are done via email. I never reach out unless it is something to do with the kids. I am not mean or nasty, we sit next to each other at our kids games and have joint birthday parties with the family. I just don't ask her personal details about her life. I only know what she tells me which is non-solicited by me. I also don't ask my kids either. Unless it impacts my kids, I really honestly don't care.
Never linger and always be the first one to end the conversation.
How does that make her feel? How does that make you feel? Is she glad to only have that type of relationship with you?
I still have hope that our marriage can be saved, but I don’t think I would even want to be around her like you do.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
You are right it is a little awkward at first....it was hard for me to get used to it. Early on I dreaded every kid exchange, I had no clue what to say or how to even interact. Just keep your conversations strictly about finances or the kids (business related matters). I am not sure what else there is to discuss when your separated. Always be friendly, upbeat and polite. Never ask her any personal questions or talk about personal things going on in your life either. I still do not ask my XW any personal questions and we have been divorced for over a year. Kid exchange is brief and most of our conversations are done via email. I never reach out unless it is something to do with the kids. I am not mean or nasty, we sit next to each other at our kids games and have joint birthday parties with the family. I just don't ask her personal details about her life. I only know what she tells me which is non-solicited by me. I also don't ask my kids either. Unless it impacts my kids, I really honestly don't care.
Never linger and always be the first one to end the conversation.
Is that more of the look of a WAW or a WW? Do they both do that?
They both do it. WAW's have more legitimate reasons for wanting out of the M, so their motivations are different. They're not leaving because they desperately want something else, they're trying to escape what they see as a dead marriage. WW's on the other hand are usually chasing the dragon.
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It’s finding that balance. Any suggestions on how to do that with words? I feel like I’m giving her time and space, dressing well, looking good, focusing on my health, etc. I just feel like I could do more when we interact with our son on webchat.
Words don't matter to a WAW at all. Not one bit. So don't even try. Your words should be limited to coordinating stuff about S, and validating when you get the opportunity. You communicate changes to her through actions. And it sounds like you're doing fine on that, but again it takes time so be patient.
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Yes I moved back in, but was ordered to go to an apartment since I had moved out.
Just so I understand, she coerced you into moving out, then when you moved back in but the COURT told you that you had to move out again because you had done it voluntarily the first time? I want to make sure I am clear on that because if that is the case, then that is a big reason for us to keep advising LBS's not to move out. Typically we tell them not to because it can create a lot of headaches moving back in later, but this is the first I've heard where the court actually determined someone couldn't move back because they voluntarily moved out. Like you, many LBS's move out because they think they're doing the WAW a favor and that it will increase the chance that she will want to recon later, but in fact it's usually the opposite that happens. As Sandi often says, the WAW has lost all respect for the LBH, that's part of the struggle is regaining respect. When you move out the WAW actually respects you even LESS because you didn't fight for your rights.
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This is what has been so hard for me to do. Because I’ve been trying to be so apologetic, I’ve let her run all over me. She knows I am definitely alpha, but I just haven’t been acting like it because I messed up.
One good, meaningful apology is all that is needed. If you've done that then don't apologize anymore. It just makes you look needy to her. That's one of those things LBS's do that just kind of grates on the WAS's nerves. Plus don't lose sight of the fact that she's the one breaking up the marriage, so it's not like her hands are clean in this.
