Heartbroken and Struggling - Part 2

[LB55]

I need to work on my listening and validation skills. I also need to find ways to encourage my wife to talk about these things. She is so afraid of conflict that she never communicates. Do you guys have any advice on how I can create situations where I can work on these listening and validations skills with her? How can I get her to talk about these things more freely?

We all need to work on this, you aren't alone! I just recently within the past couple months recognized this and have started working on it. Not for W, but for me.

The 'situations' you are looking for present themselves every day. She has a tough day at work; instead of offering a solution, just listen. Identify with her, be on her team(yeah that customer really was a jerk! you totally don't deserve to be treated that way!), just let her talk. Or maybe its about the kids. Or the dog. It doesn't have to be about the relationship to be productive.

How to get her to do it? She needs to feel like you are ready and willing to listen. My W talks to me occasionally now because I have worked on making it safe for her to talk to me; no defensiveness, nothing about me, just make it about her. I don't talk with her about my feelings and so forth; she doesn't ask about them and even if she did she isn't ready to hear them so I am not willing to discuss them with her right now.

She says that I am defensive and I need to always win these discussions. I don't think this is true, and I think she is just making this up because she is grasping at things to justify her walking away. But, there is probably truth in how we each feel about this.

Yes there is truth in that! This is an easy to start 180 for you. Stop the defensive behaviors and the need to win. Its her feelings, not necessarily the truth. Be the bigger person and let that one go. You feel how you feel, so does she. Acknowledge her feeling and show some action that you can listen effectively.

My wife and I still talk every day, and we are nice to each other. I have been steering away from raising R discussions, but is it possible to steer into these types of discussions where I can show her that I am working on this?

No its not. You aren't in control. Steering implies control. See all that stuff above, she will notice just fine without you pointing it out. Very few people like hanging out with the guy who points out to them how awesome he is.