I need to work on my listening and validation skills. I also need to find ways to encourage my wife to talk about these things. She is so afraid of conflict that she never communicates. Do you guys have any advice on how I can create situations where I can work on these listening and validations skills with her? How can I get her to talk about these things more freely?
She says that I am defensive and I need to always win these discussions. I don't think this is true, and I think she is just making this up because she is grasping at things to justify her walking away. But, there is probably truth in how we each feel about this.
My wife and I still talk every day, and we are nice to each other. I have been steering away from raising R discussions, but is it possible to steer into these types of discussions where I can show her that I am working on this?
I need to work on my listening and validation skills. I also need to find ways to encourage my wife to talk about these things. She is so afraid of conflict that she never communicates. Do you guys have any advice on how I can create situations where I can work on these listening and validations skills with her? How can I get her to talk about these things more freely?
We all need to work on this, you aren't alone! I just recently within the past couple months recognized this and have started working on it. Not for W, but for me.
The 'situations' you are looking for present themselves every day. She has a tough day at work; instead of offering a solution, just listen. Identify with her, be on her team(yeah that customer really was a jerk! you totally don't deserve to be treated that way!), just let her talk. Or maybe its about the kids. Or the dog. It doesn't have to be about the relationship to be productive.
How to get her to do it? She needs to feel like you are ready and willing to listen. My W talks to me occasionally now because I have worked on making it safe for her to talk to me; no defensiveness, nothing about me, just make it about her. I don't talk with her about my feelings and so forth; she doesn't ask about them and even if she did she isn't ready to hear them so I am not willing to discuss them with her right now.
Originally Posted by Destroyd
She says that I am defensive and I need to always win these discussions. I don't think this is true, and I think she is just making this up because she is grasping at things to justify her walking away. But, there is probably truth in how we each feel about this.
Yes there is truth in that! This is an easy to start 180 for you. Stop the defensive behaviors and the need to win. Its her feelings, not necessarily the truth. Be the bigger person and let that one go. You feel how you feel, so does she. Acknowledge her feeling and show some action that you can listen effectively.
Originally Posted by Destroyd
My wife and I still talk every day, and we are nice to each other. I have been steering away from raising R discussions, but is it possible to steer into these types of discussions where I can show her that I am working on this?
No its not. You aren't in control. Steering implies control. See all that stuff above, she will notice just fine without you pointing it out. Very few people like hanging out with the guy who points out to them how awesome he is.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Since March, I have made a lot of progress mainly in my mindset. I am starting to be able to envision life without my wife, and it is making DBing easier. I still cry almost on a daily basis, but I no longer feel like my life is ending. When things are bad at home, I think it starts to prepare you for the next stage if that is to come. I still love my wife very much, but her selfishness is making me mad.
I still suck at DBing, but I am getting better. Being able to envision life without her, I think shows that I have made some progress in detaching. I think that I do a fairly good job of active listening every time we talk (every day). I am much better at giving her my undivided attention (this is a 180 for me). I am also starting to get a life. I have been doing a lot more with just my kids. I have really been enjoying this time. I need to start planning activities for us on the weekend, so I have more to do. My wife is a SAHM, so she doesn't feel a need to do activities during the weekend, because she can do them during the week while I am at work. I resent this very much, but it is up to me to plan my own weekends with my kids. If my wife wants to join us then great, otherwise the kids and I will have fun.
Last Sunday, I asked my wife if she wanted to go to church with me and the kids. She was sleeping and said, "Not this week Love, but maybe next week." I thought this was a good sign.
Oh well, I need to continue to study the DBing. I am getting stronger, and I thank you all for helping me get there. I am still very much a work in progress, but I do see progress.
I have a question for those of us in MC. I know that this is not the ideal place to be for DB, but many of us are doing it. If that is the case, do you guys have any tips for making the most of it?
I have come to the realization that my wife is not really interested in using MC as a means to fix the relationship. She is not at all committed to fixing it even though she says she is. I assume the reason that she is saying that she is trying to fix it is, 1) to give herself time to think about what she wants (I don't think she really knows), and 2) to ease the guilt of walking away from the marriage.
It seems like reason 2 is a common one. I wonder if there is a statement us LBS should be using for this. If they are not really committed to using the MC to fix the relationship, then they should still feel guilty. I wonder if we should say this during the MC session. What are your thoughts on this? And what other tips could you give for making the most out of the MC sessions?
BTW, I have reduced our MC sessions to once a month. I feel they are not very helpful, so they are like just ripping a bandaid off and tearing open a scab every session.
I agree, but that is why I think it might be good to dispel that thought. If you are going to MC, but not trying to fix, then you aren't really trying everything. Is there any power in saying this?
I have a question for those of us in MC. I know that this is not the ideal place to be for DB, but many of us are doing it. If that is the case, do you guys have any tips for making the most of it?
Listen and validate. If you are asked questions then reply with responses that are as brief as humanly possible.
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I have come to the realization that my wife is not really interested in using MC as a means to fix the relationship. She is not at all committed to fixing it even though she says she is. I assume the reason that she is saying that she is trying to fix it is, 1) to give herself time to think about what she wants (I don't think she really knows), and 2) to ease the guilt of walking away from the marriage.
As LH said she is likely doing it to check off her "things I tried to save the M but just proved it was already over" list. She is using it as a means to facilitate S and D, not to save the M. It's what they all do.
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I wonder if there is a statement us LBS should be using for this. If they are not really committed to using the MC to fix the relationship, then they should still feel guilty. I wonder if we should say this during the MC session.
What we suggest here is that you discontinue MC. Just tell her you don't see it helping matters any and you feel it should be stopped. Spend your money on a DB coach instead. If you stay in MC it's only a matter of time before they suggest separation, and you will be amazed at how quickly your W will jump in to support the idea. From then on it will be "well this is what the counselor felt we should do" as if it was all the counselor's idea and not hers. Don't give her that excuse!
