That's very typical. They always think your changes are just tricks to get them back at first (and they are not wrong). You have to show changed behavior for a long time before she will start to believe that you really have changed. You've got to be patient and let the process work.
Well I’m trying to listen, validate and seek to understand. She is on a rollercoaster of emotions and so every day brings a different emotion. I try not to read into it, but I find myself adapting to her emotions, which makes it hard.
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Be careful about that. A lot of LBS's will try to "nice" their WAS back and when that doesn't work they switch to trying to "mean" her back by being cold and indifferent or threatening divorce. Then when that doesn't work they switch back to being nice, and they just keep flip-flopping like that. That is not at all attractive behavior. You mentioned Sandi's rules, please note they are all about LOVINGLY detaching. There is nothing in there about being cold, rude or indifferent. There's also nothing in there about buying gifts, sending love notes, writing letters. It's all about striking a balance. Listen, validate, but don't be pushy, start R talks or apply any pressure. Also you have not tried everything. You haven't tried the most important technique of all- patience. She is not coming back tomorrow or next week or next month. You're in the long game.
I feel that this is the hardest part of all of this to do for me, lovingly detach. Any suggestions?
Her and I are totally alike in almost every way, including going to the extreme. Patience is definitely a virtue I’ve never had, but I am learning.
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What do you mean by "long enough", as in you're ready for D now? Because 3-4 months is not long at all.
No I’m not. I’ll never want a divorce. But she already served me and we’ve had a hearing.
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What do you mean by "tough love"? What are you planning to do differently?
My thought was to be short, not talk to her, not respond to any text, demand respect, etc.. Basically, to just stop caring anymore.
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I guess you know by now you never should have left. And she changed the locks, WOW. So she coerced you into leaving, and then changed the locks as soon as you did. Confirm with your lawyer but my understanding is that is ILLEGAL in every state in the US. You can demand to be allowed to move back into your home and she can't stop it.
That’s why I was able to come back home without any issues. We’ve already gone to court to discuss the issue and I got kicked back out again.
