I have been looking at the forums for awhile and really trying to implement them on a daily basis. I read Sandi’s rules everyday so that I minimize any issues that might be going on. I have also been working on my 180’s sincerely before I even knew what they were called and I feel I’m doing just that.
OK that's good, keep it up.
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I have changed that now and she thinks it’s just therapy not actual change.
That's very typical. They always think your changes are just tricks to get them back at first (and they are not wrong). You have to show changed behavior for a long time before she will start to believe that you really have changed. You've got to be patient and let the process work.
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I have tried everything and since nothing seems to be working, I think have decided the tough love thing is what I may need to do. She is very emotional, but she is just not herself. She is totally different and very selfish around everyone.
Be careful about that. A lot of LBS's will try to "nice" their WAS back and when that doesn't work they switch to trying to "mean" her back by being cold and indifferent or threatening divorce. Then when that doesn't work they switch back to being nice, and they just keep flip-flopping like that. That is not at all attractive behavior. You mentioned Sandi's rules, please note they are all about LOVINGLY detaching. There is nothing in there about being cold, rude or indifferent. There's also nothing in there about buying gifts, sending love notes, writing letters. It's all about striking a balance. Listen, validate, but don't be pushy, start R talks or apply any pressure. Also you have not tried everything. You haven't tried the most important technique of all- patience. She is not coming back tomorrow or next week or next month. You're in the long game.
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However it’s been 3-4 months. That’s long enough, especially with no changes and her not wanting to even work on our marriage AT ALL.
What do you mean by "long enough", as in you're ready for D now? Because 3-4 months is not long at all.
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My issue with tough love is that I’m afraid it might push her further away if she’s NOT a WW.
What do you mean by "tough love"? What are you planning to do differently?
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I went back home, as I wasn’t going to be pushed around. However the locks were changed.
I guess you know by now you never should have left. And she changed the locks, WOW. So she coerced you into leaving, and then changed the locks as soon as you did. Confirm with your lawyer but my understanding is that is ILLEGAL in every state in the US. You can demand to be allowed to move back into your home and she can't stop it.
