Heartbroken and Struggling - Part 2

[LB55]

Don’t worry about defending yourself. You don’t have to defend yourself from her feelings. They are hers.

If she starts attacking, calling names, threatening you, etc; then it is time to say that the disrespectful conversation is over; you are still willing to listen in the future but need a break and then walk away. Tell her when you are ready to continue.

No matter how it is phrased, it is her feelings. Go into this with a thick skin. Then wear a leather motorcycle jacket over your thick skin. When you feel yourself getting defensive, breathe deep, think of a happy time with her, and continue listening. She may say things like “you always do this” or “you hate me” or blah blah blah. The statement in and of itself may not be 100% truth, but the feeling behind it is. When you think she is done, wait 3 more seconds; she will probably be talking again. If not then validate her feeling with something appropriate and similar to this:

“I can see how that would be frustrating for you.”
“That must be a really tough thing for you to deal with.”
“Wow I had no idea! That’s very tough for you. Thanks for the feedback!”

Use statements like this to help her open up. No if, and, but, or any other conditional stuff from you. Just listen. Don’t offer your opinions, facts, feelings or otherwise. If she asks you how you feel, then answer truthfully but don’t unload the defensive barrage back at her. Her asking you how you feel is not permission to “fire at will”.

I had a really tough time with this concept. W was always angry, told me I’m a terrible communicator, this is what is wrong with us, etc. I never got it until about 3 weeks ago. I finally practiced some “non defensive listening” and it worked way better than I ever though of it could. Led to a couple of long productive conversations, most all of it about her, but she felt like she was heard and it built just a shred of trust. Would I love for her to ask how I feel? Do I want to tell her how bad she hurt me? YES!!! Did she ask? Nope. I can’t control that; nor can I listen to her with the expectation of receiving it back from her. That’s a covert contract. Are we going to fix everything and get back together? Who knows. Being able to talk is one step past the start line and one step closer to the finish line.