Friday was really, really hard. I was out with friends until about 11, and came home - emptiness. It was surreal, like a different place altogether. It doesn't feel like my home anymore. I went straight to bed to avoid thinking about it. I woke up, reminded myself I was still alive, and then went to the gym. Another set of friends were nice enough to organize a guys weekend at a lake house upstate, and that's where I'm at right now.
The biggest thing for me right now is dealing with the loneliness. Everything feels so different and so empty. No text messages on my phone, no one checking in to say hello. (Other than the friends I'm currently hanging out with, of course!) It's just a huge, huge difference than the past seven years of my life. I'm sure I'll adjust but it's a heavy emotion right now. I'm trying to tell myself not to be too self-critical, not to beat myself up too much for thinking about her, or even having a dream last night that she was in. The wound is still fresh and this is going to happen, I can't force myself to stop having love for her.
The BD has certainly achieved for me what she set out for it to achieve: I have lots of clarity right now about what's been happening in our MR. Between having time to reflect, reading NMMNG, and talking to my IC, I realized two big things: I've been living a double life with seeking external validation from women, which has caused me - even if I didn't realize it - to not be able to truly connect and be intimate with my WAW. Second, because of my nice-guy tendencies, I avoided conflict and told lots of dumb, white lies that over time completely eroded the trust in the MR. Both of those things are fatal blows. I know I can't change the past but right now I am feeling overwhelming regret and guilt over my behavior and not recognizing these things earlier.
I also know however that all I can do is work on myself, GAL, and be the best version of myself I can be.
I still have no idea how I'm going to handle the separation agreement. It feels like I'm marching towards D-Day.
