Heartbroken and Struggling - Part 2

[LB55]

I found out that my in laws know about our marriage problems. I am not sure exactly what my wife has told them, but I am really hurt that they haven't reached out to give me any comfort. I have known them for over 20 years. What have your experiences with your inlaws been like through your problems? Do you think I should talk to them? I haven't because I am scared my wife will view it as me trying to use them to make her feel guilty and pressured.

I don’t think this is a good idea. Her family is her family. They will side with her most every time. Mine never viewed me as good enough for their daughter. I’m in the military, W wanted to have a family; they wanted her to be a politician and be married to a powerful Fortune 500 CEO. So even though I make over 6 figures, we have 3 houses, were setup for life financially; it was never good enough.

So imagine when she told them she wanted out, that I abused her and the kids, that I never let her spend any money, etc...the whole rewriting history thing...they are now bankrolling her divorce so she doesn’t have to pay for it, they come over and take care of the house for her, watch the kids every time she has something going on, etc. They don’t feel One bit of empathy for me, or would they attempt to help me in any way. She is the victim and I am the criminal.

In order to see my kids when this first went down, I was required to go to her parents house, sit on the floor and stay within a small square so they could provide proper supervision of me with the kids. They were armed. It was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do. They would be the last people I would call for help, and they certainly wouldn’t be interested in helping me with anything after what “I’ve done to their daughter”.

I struggle to imagine many scenarios in which the in-laws would help a LBS, but my view is pretty jaded.

[HrtHsbnd]

That sounds like my situation, but without the floor. Wow.

In-laws can definitely hurt relationships. Mine decided to move in when my son was born 5 years ago and they never left.

I found out that my in laws know about our marriage problems. I am not sure exactly what my wife has told them, but I am really hurt that they haven't reached out to give me any comfort. I have known them for over 20 years. What have your experiences with your inlaws been like through your problems? Do you think I should talk to them? I haven't because I am scared my wife will view it as me trying to use them to make her feel guilty and pressured.

I don’t think this is a good idea. Her family is her family. They will side with her most every time. Mine never viewed me as good enough for their daughter. I’m in the military, W wanted to have a family; they wanted her to be a politician and be married to a powerful Fortune 500 CEO. So even though I make over 6 figures, we have 3 houses, were setup for life financially; it was never good enough.

So imagine when she told them she wanted out, that I abused her and the kids, that I never let her spend any money, etc...the whole rewriting history thing...they are now bankrolling her divorce so she doesn’t have to pay for it, they come over and take care of the house for her, watch the kids every time she has something going on, etc. They don’t feel One bit of empathy for me, or would they attempt to help me in any way. She is the victim and I am the criminal.

In order to see my kids when this first went down, I was required to go to her parents house, sit on the floor and stay within a small square so they could provide proper supervision of me with the kids. They were armed. It was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do. They would be the last people I would call for help, and they certainly wouldn’t be interested in helping me with anything after what “I’ve done to their daughter”.

I struggle to imagine many scenarios in which the in-laws would help a LBS, but my view is pretty jaded.

[97Hope]

I have another question. I have no evidence that my WAW is having an affair, but I given the percentages from people who say ILYBIANILWY, I really want to find out. Do you think I should do everything possible to find out? I am scared that I might uncover evidence that she is planning divorce. Like she is planning to file on X date, or I would read her inner thoughts to her friends that might really mess me up emotionally. What do you guys think?

Hi D. You should focus on yourself (GAL/180's and detaching) right now. Don't borrow trouble (I read that you read the bible, right? ) When you feel like snooping, remember that is not about you, it's about her and you can't control her anyway. Trust that God will reveal what you need to know when you need to know it

I agree with the advice from previous posters - leave the In-laws to her. If they call you be kind but do NOT discuss your R with them!! Just say you would prefer not to discuss it, but you are grateful for their concern.

[Destroyd]

"Trust that God will reveal what you need to know when you need to know it." That is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!!

On Friday my wife and I had a fight that was bizarre. My wife had scheduled a spa day outside the house on Friday where she got a babysitter. But, I told her on Friday that I was intending to come home from work early on Friday, so she didn't need the babysitter. This made her mad that she had to cancel the babysitter. I felt bad messing around with her plans, but I didn't know she had this day planned.

Then she tells me that she will be home at a certain time to take our son someplace, so I make plans for 45 minutes after this thinking that she would be home by then. Then I get a text stating that a friend's dad would take our son to the place to drop him and other boys off. This required me to text her back to state that I had made plans for 45 minutes after she was supposed to be home. She got mad at me via text saying that I always rush her and this is why she got the babysitter.

These texts made me mad, because I was trying to be considerate and I thought her texts were attacking me. So when she got home, I confronted her about the attacking texts, and told her that I was trying to not interfere with her schedule at all, but there was miscommunication and a series of unfortunate events that created conflict for both of us.

Later that night we went to dinner as a family and everything seemed fine. Then we got home and she was giving me the cold shoulder the rest of the night. So the next day, I asked why she was giving me the cold shoulder, and she said that me confronting her about her texts was what has been wrong about our marriage. That she is not able to ever get mad at me without me explaining why she is wrong and not validating her feelings.

We talked a long while about this incident. I still felt that I should stand up for myself, but it is clear that this ticked her off. I never attack my wife. So, when she says this is what is wrong with our marriage, I think this is crazy. Am I never supposed to defend myself? She is so uncomfortable with conflict that when there is any she attacks as opposed to nicely discussing things to explain her feelings.

I know that she feels rushed to get home all the time, and so do I. It is like we feel guilt for each other all the time, even when we aren't trying to do so. I think this is a big problem in our marriage. How do I fix this? Do you think that I can't while she isn't in a reconciling mindset yet?

I feel like I am the only one working to fix anything. She feels done, event though she says she is trying to fix things. ARRGGHH.

[Rose888]

You say she is uncomfortable with conflict. How are you ay handling criticism?

I’m recovering from the need to have others perceive me as perfect, and a big part of that is validating others’ feelings about being upset with me.

Try validating without defending yourself. If you do it consistently enough, you might see a change in how she brings up issues.

[LB55]

I agree with Rose; validate her feelings. Doesn’t mean you agree with them or admit guilt or anything. Validation is simply hearing what the other person is saying and trying to see how they could feel that way. It is their feeling after all.

She feels that the tone of the communications and texts is what is wrong and has been wrong for a while. It’s likely not the only thing; it is however a super easy one to validate and make her feel heard and understood.

Listen to her feelings. Repeat back what you’ve heard so you’re both on the same page. Ask her if that is how she feels. Validation isn’t about you getting your feelings out there or being heard. It’s about her being heard. Please don’t listen to her and then go “but this is how I see it”. That’s the same thing as listening to her and telling her she is wrong. Her feelings are her feelings. They aren’t wrong. It’s how she feels.

Ask her what she needs from you to reduce her frustration with communication. Listen. Then give it a shot.

[Destroyd]

Since the BD, except for in MC, I haven't defended myself at all. This is the first time that I have done so. However, I am going to pay a lot more attention to this. I want to make sure that I am validate her feelings.

I will ask her this today.

[LB55]

Don’t worry about defending yourself. You don’t have to defend yourself from her feelings. They are hers.

If she starts attacking, calling names, threatening you, etc; then it is time to say that the disrespectful conversation is over; you are still willing to listen in the future but need a break and then walk away. Tell her when you are ready to continue.

No matter how it is phrased, it is her feelings. Go into this with a thick skin. Then wear a leather motorcycle jacket over your thick skin. When you feel yourself getting defensive, breathe deep, think of a happy time with her, and continue listening. She may say things like “you always do this” or “you hate me” or blah blah blah. The statement in and of itself may not be 100% truth, but the feeling behind it is. When you think she is done, wait 3 more seconds; she will probably be talking again. If not then validate her feeling with something appropriate and similar to this:

“I can see how that would be frustrating for you.”
“That must be a really tough thing for you to deal with.”
“Wow I had no idea! That’s very tough for you. Thanks for the feedback!”

Use statements like this to help her open up. No if, and, but, or any other conditional stuff from you. Just listen. Don’t offer your opinions, facts, feelings or otherwise. If she asks you how you feel, then answer truthfully but don’t unload the defensive barrage back at her. Her asking you how you feel is not permission to “fire at will”.

I had a really tough time with this concept. W was always angry, told me I’m a terrible communicator, this is what is wrong with us, etc. I never got it until about 3 weeks ago. I finally practiced some “non defensive listening” and it worked way better than I ever though of it could. Led to a couple of long productive conversations, most all of it about her, but she felt like she was heard and it built just a shred of trust. Would I love for her to ask how I feel? Do I want to tell her how bad she hurt me? YES!!! Did she ask? Nope. I can’t control that; nor can I listen to her with the expectation of receiving it back from her. That’s a covert contract. Are we going to fix everything and get back together? Who knows. Being able to talk is one step past the start line and one step closer to the finish line.

[Destroyd]

Now you guys have me questioning myself and whether I did the right thing. I have felt like I never stand up for myself ever since BD. I feel like I have become a pushoever. So, when she was upset with me over this miscommunication, it really aggravated me, and I thought I should tell her about it in a mild mannered way. But now, you have me feeling like I should have just ignored her texts. But then we never would have talked, and I feel she still would have been mad at me over the situation.

[LB55]

Now you guys have me questioning myself and whether I did the right thing. I have felt like I never stand up for myself ever since BD. I feel like I have become a pushoever. So, when she was upset with me over this miscommunication, it really aggravated me, and I thought I should tell her about it in a mild mannered way. But now, you have me feeling like I should have just ignored her texts. But then we never would have talked, and I feel she still would have been mad at me over the situation.

Don’t worry about the past or what you did or didn’t do. Won’t make a hoot of difference.

You needed to tell her. She didn’t ask for you to tell her. That’s a big difference.

If you ask what she needs from you and be perceptive;
H: “you seem frustrated, is that how you are feeling?”
W: “yes I’m very frustrated”
H: “That must be tough. What do you need?”

She may then return serve and ask you how you feel about it. Then you can tell her mild mannerly how it upset you. None of that is pushover behavior. It’s just being a kind human being that shows emotional intelligence and empathy.

Being a pushover is when she calls you a worthless POS and tells you to get the F out and you lower you head in shame and say “yes my love. Tell me when to come home Princess. Can I get you anything while I’m out that will make things more comfy for you here in the palace?”