Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

lol I sure did have some doozies!! My new therapist (when I told her some of that stuff) just complimented me on my determination to not quit and asked what I wanted to use that determination for and my first thing was my thought life. Turns out I was sending myself a lot of bad messages.

Someone on here said that they don't know how to work on their thoughts.

This is what works for me:

1. Action
2. Thought
3. Feeling
4. Response
5. Consequence

So how this works is that after an action (let's say Dilly called me a houseplant killer - the very next thing that happens is that I have a thought about it. - my thought about it determines my feeling - either I:
a. laugh my head off because I KNOW she cares about me and she's tapping into our (CAGD Club) humor, or
b. she is judging me and thinks the worst of me.

So this thought has produced a feeling (a. happy, b. sad) my response (my choice!) is either a. laugh with her and come back with asking about her ivy b. pout and never speak to her again or c. address the issue and ask for clarification - from this point depending on how I respond, my consequences are a. friend who shares laughs, b. isolation because I believe I stink c. etc. etc. endless depending on one thought around an action.

I'm NOT a therapist, but this works for me and I have to go back to it when I get sideways, but it has been amazing for me. It's also helped me feel more confident each time I pause and remind myself that my thought-life determines my feelings.

This has also lead to good and bad conversations with others (i.e. when I've asked for clarification, sometimes someone was judging me) but at least I knew, and those bad convos were helpful, too.

And finally, when H does a less than desirable action, my thoughts aren't always all about me now!! If it's his issue, I am better at leaving it with him. If it's my behavior, I can adjust accordingly.

My first week of homework with IC was just to 'notice' my thoughts after an action. I had some major janky thoughts about myself! Didn't realize it until I started thinking about my thoughts.