It will pass. And I think these changes happen slowly. There might be a 'fake it until you make it' element to detaching, and a bit of work to tackle and address the fears that are stopping you letting go, but it takes time.
You don't have to learn how to handle your H's appalling moods, and the way he chooses to treat you when he is experiencing them. It is wasted effort and energy. Why would you want that for yourself?
I think you got really close to it when you were thinking about why you were agreeing to pay his rent for him. It's all about control. It's such a dirty word, but I don't think it means we're nasty people - only that we're trying to manage the thinking and feeling and behaviour of others so that they will give us the love and affection we want. It isn't terrible, but it also doesn't work and seems to encourage more of the awful behaviour we don't want.
I think the only 'handling' we need to do is to learn to say 'no' to what is not good enough. If you can say 'no' to the bad stuff while still saying 'yes' to the good stuff, then that's very nice - but I think in both of our situations there isn't really enough good stuff on offer in the here and now for a healthy conversation as if with an acquaintance, never mind a marriage or friendship.
