I have been looking at the forums for awhile and really trying to implement them on a daily basis. I read Sandi’s rules everyday so that I minimize any issues that might be going on. I have also been working on my 180’s sincerely before I even knew what they were called and I feel I’m doing just that. While I made SOME of the mistakes in the beginning, I’ve really tried to give her space and time so I don’t do anything that will push her further away. I also didn’t validate as well as I could of until I found this website about 3-4 weeks ago. I have changed that now and she thinks it’s just therapy not actual change. I am definitely succeeding in being the best dad I can be though.
One of my problems is that I’ve tried so many different approaches since March because none of them work that she thinks I’m crazy or have different personalities. I try to stick with what works, but every conversation is different. I truly don’t know if she is a WAW or WW, but it seems she’s a WW from what I’ve read on here. I’ve been nice and understanding, even trying to see things from her point of view, though I did still pursue her up until about 6 weeks ago. I have tried everything and since nothing seems to be working, I think have decided the tough love thing is what I may need to do. She is very emotional, but she is just not herself. She is totally different and very selfish around everyone.
I do feel that my being nice helped some, but the results were the same. Maybe I didn’t give it enough time or maybe it was her temp checking and cake eating. For the record, I am and have always been very much an alpha male, so the NMMNG is not me. I took the approach that I messed up, so maybe it’s my time to eat crow. However it’s been 3-4 months. That’s long enough, especially with no changes and her not wanting to even work on our marriage AT ALL.
I very sternly and respectfully demanded respect this week on webchat. In addition, I also confronted her on webchat outside of MC for the first time and let her know I know, but she still adamantly denies everything.
Any advice?
Originally Posted by neffer
Hey HH, welcome to DB forum.
First advice: take your time. Be patient. You told us you’ve started working in yourself. Keep doing that. Have you read Job & Cadet’s first post. You have the DB basics there. Go deep into that info. You need to study them, print and have a copy of all at hand reach.
Weekends are kind of slow. It’s GAL time and we all need to do that a lot.
As I said, be patient. This is a marathon and you are just walking towards the start line. Prepare for the race. You don’t need speed. You need consistency. Live into the present time. What the past is stays in the past. Prepare to grow up as a better person. Your first commitment is to get into the best father you can. But focus into present time. Future means anxiety. You don’t need that.
You are in control of yourself. Start moving forward.
