Back agai

[botanygirl]

AS,

Yes I have been sad for a long time. We have moments where it is pretty good and I think things are going to get better but then it just goes right back to being miserable. I didn’t really express that I have done a lot of work after my first marriage fell apart. I went to councilling weekly in the beginning and then q 2wks for years. In fact it has only been this past year that I stopped going and the only reason I stopped going was because we all went to see a counselor as a family to try to deal with the issues my daughter was having. When I brought it up to him I was shocked that he agreed to go so I pounced on it. The lead up to the appointment he kept saying “you watch-the counselor will say it is all about me”. I tried to massage it and said we all played a part in the dysfunction but secretly I knew he was a big part of the problem.

So when we went, the counselor immediately felt he needed 3 sessions with H alone or I could come along if H wanted. I went with him to his first session. It was crazy to me that he couldn’t actually tell the counselor some of the scenarios. I don’t even remember what the issue was at the time but it would have been examples of incidences between him and my D. He was either so ashamed or I am not sure what exactly but in that session he actually asked for me to retell the story because he couldn’t actually say it himself. He then went on to the next 2 sessions alone. He wouldn’t allow me to come with him.

The second session he almost refused to go and I told him if he was going to cancel 1hr before the session that was fine but we would be paying the councilor in full because you can’t cancel with that short notice. He did end up going but was in a panicked state before and almost having a tantrum before.

The last session he attended he didn’t create such a fight before but I could see his anxiety about going. And then when he came home he couldn’t stop talking about how great it was and how he felt he was just getting started and didn’t want to leave when the hour was up. I thought we had made a break through but then he didn’t book any more sessions and the counselor never gave any instruction as to what was to happen next (or at least that is what I was told) and it was Xmas by this point so it kind of got dropped. I tried to bring up going back a couple of times but my H didn’t give a positive response at all so I just didn’t want to push anymore.

I should have gone back to my IC but I had been going for 7 yrs by this point and I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere but I guess given that things have definitely escalated and gotten worse in this last year and I haven’t been to IC at all in this last year there may be a correlation there. I know the relationship is far from over. He has no intention of leaving or breaking up our family. We have both been through it once before so I don’t think either one of us wants to give up but I am struggling to sit in a relationship where I get nothing out of it other than someone to share expenses with and share in the caregiving of our children. I need to feel loved and I need to be in a sexual relationship again. My first marriage failed because of infidelity. My Ex was basically living a double life for a year and a half. It was the most horrible deceitful thing I have ever had to go through. After I posted last night I went into my profile and realized all my posts from 2010 were still there. I had forgotten all that I had gone through with him. When I was posting at that time I still didn’t know for sure he was having an affair but discovered it during my time on here. It was scary to go back and read. It almost feels like reading someone else’s post but it was me.

Honestly I really don’t see what I did wrong in my first relationship other than the fact that he was my high school sweet heart and we had only ever been with each other. We had one short break up in our early 20’s for about 5 months but then got back together and eventually married. We never fought, always got along. It wasn’t until he was having the affair that things got ugly. And once I discovered what was really going on he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he had given me 18yrs and that was enough. I had no choice but to end it because I couldn’t live in a marriage where he was with another woman. He had no intention to stop being with her and there was no way I was going to try to fight to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. I know if I had gotten him to somehow stay I would have likely cheated out of anger and resentment. So I ended it.