Am I doing this right??

[BluWave]

Goddess,

I like what you wrote and I have no flack to give (surprise, surprise, haha). I know that there are a lot of mixed opinions and advice on these 2 issues specifically (1. the relevance of the term MLC and 2. how much understanding and "kindness" we should extend to our S). I completely value and respect others' positions, even if they differ from mine. We wouldn't need this forum or these conversations if it was all set in stone! I appreciate the dialogues and at times debates on the various threads here. There have been times when someone has left a 2*4 or criticism for me, that I might have initially dismissed, only to later think more deeply about it and then found some real usefulness in it. We can all learn from one another if we choose to.

Some of the reasons I swing hard 2*4s at LBW here, is because I cannot go back in time and swing them at myself when I was initially post-BD. I really could have benefited from some myself because I made a lot of mistakes after H left. I can see now that those mistakes caused him to stay away much longer. We have talked about all this because he has now been back over 4 years. He was scared of me and my emotional outbursts. I was also needy. But much more important than him and what he thought, I can see how I kept myself in my own tailspin and caused a lot of my own hurt. I blamed him, but really I was hurting myself, and my own integrity, by hanging on so tight. I see a lot of LBWs making my same mistakes.

I tend to call BS on LBWs blaming their Hs behavior on MLC and I tell the Ws to toughen up, because I can read their "weakened" position all over their posts. I do not mean "weak" as in there is any character flaw, not at all! I mean weak in the sense that they have been beaten down to a pulp -- they are hurt, fearful and raw -- by their Hs treatment and abandoning them. So when she is reacting and interacting with her H from a place of vulnerability and fear, she is not showing him her true (goddess) strong self. She is fearful and needy. The H can sense that all over her! So he will only run away faster. The LBWs that come from a position of more confidence, strength and even at times guarded and indifferent, tends to have a different outcome. She is demanding respect! This is what men are attracted to.

In these cases, the H tends to realize that he is losing her and she is not plan B. And as all of us humans are flawed; we want what we cannot have. If he knows she will put up with his neglect, abuse or affairs, he will continue on and selfishly do what he wants. Does MLC, alcohol or depression play a role? Sure. Maybe, but maybe not. I tend to think the reasons don't matter that much because WE AS THE LBW STILL HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING. We have to let go of the toxic person, drop the rope, go dark, LOVE OURSELVES, and invest in a healthier and happier life. Hanging on to them does not serve us in any way. Understanding them does not fix the problem. We cannot fix them, but we can work on fixing ourselves.

And if these Hs want no part of a strong W and mother of their kids? WELL THEN IT IS THEIR LOSS ....We can love them and try to understand them from a distance -- we don't have to be rude or disrespectful to them -- but we can certainly remove ourselves from their poor treatment of us and give our attention to the things and people that deserve it. They don't deserve it right now.

Blu