I am getting into informal child custody debates this morning over email.
I haven't sent out my response as of yet, and wanted everyone to review it first. So 2x4's are welcome if necessary. I need to know if I am being ridiculous or if W is, and I am just legally CMOA for future encounters. I am literally typing all this up while silently sitting right in front of W and S1 on couch with nothing being said other than S1. Names and emails have been omitted.
Here is what started it:
W: Just a reminder that xxx and xxx are coming to finish some house projects on Saturday. I know you said you will be out for the day to help xxxxx and xxxx move, so this is just a courtesy reminder.
H: Ok thanks for the reminder.
H: Can we agree that since I voluntarily took off work yesterday to care for S1, that it can be applied to one of the make up days that I owe from working away from home previous weeks? Which puts the days owed to one?
W: Daytime childcare has not been a part of our custodial agreement. That time has been specifically in regard to evenings and weekends. If it were, I would be owed much more than just two days! I have a list of all the days I've had to stay home with S1 due to no childcare, many of them unpaid. I can send you all of those dates if you would like to see them. So to answer your question, no, yesterday does not count towards the makeup two days from you.
( Anticipated Response) H: If you want to deny that my voluntary choice to stay home on June 19th with our son, due to him being ill, and not count it torwards my nightly schedule time "owed" for working away several weeks ago. That's fine. I can understand that, but I don't have to agree with it.
I will agree that daytime childcare has not been a part of our tentative unofficial custodial agreement schedule. It looks like I am going to have to bear the burden of creating an official and legally binding parenting plan (Like I said I would.) and create clear terms and conditions that we both agree upon with clearer conditions, times, schedules, etc.
In all fairness of interests to both parties. Your mom has been the designated child care provider during our work hours in watching our son, up until recently due to her health complications and surgeries.
Since your Mom and Dad are retired, and your Mom is the designated primary child care provider currently during working hours as agreed between us. When you are not on summer vacation as per you're profession as a Behavioral Specialist for XXX , which revolves around the school calendar year, you have voluntarily taken custodial responsibility for our son revolving around normal working hours during those vacation months. This has been taken into consideration.
Unfortunately my profession as a XXXX does not afford 2.5 months of vacation whether paid or unpaid, and revolves around typical normal business construction hours on an annual basis.
I also understand your considerable FLMA time off recently from work to care for ill family members also includes your father who has dementia. While having no recourse or compensation from your employer, and also having to bear the personal burden of your time related to child care for our son, I understand this is a considerable exertion of time and expense personally. But in all equitible fairness. Some of your FLMA absences have to do with your Father, and some have to do with your Mother.
Whether your FLMA days of absence be due to your Mom's unavailability to watch our son due to her own personal health complications, or due to your Mom being unavailable to watch our son due to you're Dad's Dr's appointments and his dementia. It is reasonably arguable that your FLMA days of absence are not applicable related to child care regarding your Father's Dr's appointments, unless your Mom was incapacitated, and or unavailable to care for you're Father, and our son simultaneously during said days of your FMLA leave of absence.
In my opinion. Your days missed having to do with your Father's Dr's appointments does not accurately reflect torwards your equitable and custodial "owed" time off, of myself, to provide make up days of child care, since your Father is not the designated primary child care provider during our work hours. You're FLMA time off should only be applicable torwards your Mother's unavailability to provide child care, and should reflect torwards days "owed"
However If you can substantiate further documentation which FLMA days were applicable torwards your Mother's care, and which ones were applicable torwards your Father's care, it may be helpful in possibly calculating which days were "owed" either due to you're Mother being unavailable to watch our son, on specific dates while she was in good health at time, due to Father's Dr's appointments. I will take that into consideration as well.
Because I currently posses no official record of FLMA days which were used by you, and cannot distinguish the difference which FLMA days were used because your Mom's unavailability due to her own health complications, and which FLMA days were used torwards your Father's Dr's appointments when your Mom was healthy and capable of watching S1. It is difficult to determine what is considerably and reasonably fair. I would like accurate record of such to make that determination.
It is also arguable from my point of view, that I have also provided child care voluntarily, and secondarily for our son from my own family relatives (my brother) as well as myself as of recently. So that we can both divide the responsibility equally between child care and compensative gainful employment, to be able to provide for the household and utilities, and meet our requirements of financial obligations until our house is sold.
So essentially the days where my brother has covered for us both so we can work, should be reflected as my responsibility in providing child care if I am unable to care for our son if I have to work. (In other words, if my brother wasn't available for the days he watched S1, then it would be my responsibility to be taking off from work to watch him, if anyone else wasn't available to.) That should count towards something.
Since you mention the weeks that I was away for work in XXXX, you previously agreed verbally to provide child care for S1 in absence of your Mom, so that I could meet our financial obligations of the household.
Now you are saying that you want to be "owed" or provided some type of equity or equal recourse of provisional custody on my part, for the two weeks I was in XXXX by holding me accountable to those "owed" weeks. In other words, you agreed verbally that it was ok for me to go away to work for those two weeks. "Because we needed the money to pay the bills." according to you. You are changing the terms and conditions agreed upon verbally after the fact, or "baiting and switching" and not clearly stating the conditions up front. I did not initially agree to any make up days because it was not put to me until thereafter. But in good faith, I have volunteered to make up for 5 nights, in which now currently only 2 are "owed"
You can't have it both ways. Either our expenses get paid, or the bills and mortgage lapse again, and fall into default status, or I continue to take more days off and lose money to provide child care myself, or hire such care until the marital home is sold. Also in all fairness. During all the random days when I am not working due to inclimate weather, I have volunteered to watch our son, to alleviate you and your mom from child care, which I am also losing work compensation as a result. This is also voluntarily and should be acknowledged, as I am watching our son as my own personal initiative during these days, and as a personal favor to you and your Mom. That should also count torwards something if we are discussing custodial equity and fairness as far as timesharing parental responsibilities. I would like you to take all this into consideration. If necessary, I can attempt to provide you with record of all inclimate weather dates, and voluntary absences regarding to watching our son dating back to Jan. 2019, if you can provide me with a accurate record of all FLMA dates of absences, and any absences of your own personal health consultations, from Jan-Mar which I voluntarily took off from work from as well. That would be greatly appreciated if you desire.
I am trying to work with you amicably and equitabily here in all fairness related to child care, and am being met with willfull resistance and unclear terms and conditions that are continually subject to change at any moments notice.
I have attempted numerous times to reconcile with you over our marriage over the last seven months, over all these matters pertaining to child custody, household, finances, work, and divisions of assets labor and belongings for the last seven months, and have been met with nothing but resistance, indifference, argument, conflict of opinion, perception, and point of view. Including the willfulness on your part to leave the marriage, mentally, physically, spiritually, and contractually.
Since it is not in your interest or desire at this time to reconcile, I have to do what I think is best to protect myself, my employment, my assests, my custodial rights for our son, and half of the marital home. I would prefer to handle this privately without the involvement of lawyers, mediators and the family courts, incurring unnecessary burden and financial hardship on both of us, impeding our earning and provisional capacity for the sake of our son, and come some clear terms of agreement in writing. If we cannot come to some reasonable terms of agreement in writing, then I will be forced to seek legal council and just recourse through a mediator or attorney if I feel an fair and reasonable solution cannot be agreed upon. I am putting the ball back in your court, and it is entirely up to you at this moment on you on your willingness to coperate, and co parent with me in future.
How do you want to proceed? Privately? Or Legally?
