I am sorry about your friends. I understand what you mean. One of the reasons I prefer posting here is because there is a safety in giving and seeking advice in an anonymous way. We care about our friends/family and when they say things that feel judgmental (because how can they not have judgements and want to protect us!?!) we can lose some safety in the relationships. We might find ourselves censoring what we say or worrying what they think. It can feel crummy.

One of my closest friends for years was a main supporter during my ugly separation. I could call her or text her any time and she was so loving and supportive. I think I might have taken advantage of her generosity because she was always there for me. Then after H came back, she disappeared. Pretty much ghosted me. We did not have a falling out or even a disagreement, and in fact she messaged me that she was happy for me. After months of silence I tried to get in touch with her, only to be met with, "I can't, it's not you, it's me." I gave her space and tried again. She told me the same thing. Nothing changed other than my H coming back. So oddly, I lost a friend over it, and I still am not entirely sure why.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I do think that our friends and families are affected by our sitch. If I had known that by turning to her in my crisis I was ruining the friendship, I would not have. I had other supportive friends. They have since told me that something is off with her and not to take it personally, but her giving up on me sure hurt all the same. ... So I think it's okay to talk to your trusted family and friends, but if it never compromises your feelings of safety with them, then it's okay not to share any details with them.

I am glad to read you are feeling a bit stronger and putting up boundaries! I found that when I started doing that more and more, I also felt better about myself. I had to learn to protect myself from him and it worked two-fold: 1. the space gave me a feeling of protection from him and his drama and 2. I learned to trust myself again, that yes, I can take care of myself and no, I don't need him to be okay. It really does work!

And yes, he will watch and he will notice. Sigh. You can just carry on all the same :-)

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela